I'm really sick and tired of people telling me how I should feel. And it isn't only people. Its also books. But its especially people!

People keep on asking me if I'm "excited" about the baby. God, how do even begin to answer that question?! Okay, No. No, I'm not. I'm scared shitless. In fact I have many feelings, and they vary from moment to moment. I honestly don't know what to expect. I'm afraid the baby will have problems. Terrible problems! I don't know what its going to do to my life. I'm afraid I'm not ready for it. Or, maybe it will be great, and a lot of fun and so on. But I just don't know. So, I'm not "excited". I'm nervous, worried, concerned, scared, AND excited. But not just "excited".

So, when I respond, I hesitantly say "yeah, sure" because I know the correct answer is "Yes, this a dream come true, and I'm sure everything will be great!" But since I can't seem to muster that up, I say, "yeah, sure". And then the other person says "You don't sound excited. Uh, okay. What do you want me to say now? "Well I guess I'm just a big fucking asshole that has no business bringing a child into the world. So screw me and screw the world!" You don't sound excited, my ass! What do people want? To simply grab me by the balls until I admit my inferiority?!

And these books, oh lord! They tell me that I should feel a sense of "wholeness" as the birth nears. "Wholeness"? That isn't even a feeling. And what if I don't feel that? Then what? I guess I'm a major fuckup. Right? I mean, right?! What about feeling some relief that the pregnancy is over? And relief that the baby is healthy (hopefully)? And continued fear about the changes ahead? And feelings of dread about the impending 3+ years of poopy diapers? I guess if I feel that stuff then I'm a major loser. I would imagine that I'll feel quite happy about the baby, but don't try to give me all sorts of piss and wine and tell me its just wine.

I guess that people are just trying to say something, anything. I would prefer, "How do you feel?" as opposed to "Do you feel such and such...?" And Christ, the Lord up in heaven, if you think that my feelings aren't right just keep it to your damn self. And if you don't want a real answer then don't talk to me. Please... Make my life easier for me.

Little voice in head: Do you dislike how they respond because you believe you ARE a fuckup and will be a terrible father?

This Friday, my baby will be born, my son. It doesn't really register with me to be honest. What will become of my life? Will I remain the self-absorbed misanthrope that I have shown myself to be on this blog? Should I still be that person?

I keep thinking that when I become a father, I should act differently. Or at the very least, censor various aspects of my personality. I'm trying to think of it as no different than censoring various aspects of my personality around my parents or at work. For instance, I don't say the "F Word" to my parents. I don't say the "N Word" when there are black people around. So maybe its okay that I won't be my entire self with the baby, kid, etc...

But can I still listen to rap? If so, can I only listen to A Tribe Called Quest? Do I have to secretly listen to all of the gratuitously violent and sexist rap that I like? Can I still look at women's butts? Oh god, I wish I didn't do that! But now I think I have to stop, lest my 3 year old start to imitate me. I'm guessing I can't unleash an unholy barrage of swears at other drivers. Nor can I grouse about the injustice of world events, personal events, affirmative action, etc...

I probably can't even walk around saying how much I hate George F'in Bush! Why? Because I have a nuanced (sort of) opinion about that idiot, based on years of reading, experience, and understanding of American politics and government. Not to mention the degree in Political Science. The kid won't have that. All he'll hear is a bunch of crazy complaining and it won't make any sense. He should probably learn to have a basic respect for our various institutions before he starts to criticize them, and my bitching won't help.

Will I still be able to come home after a day of being at work and getting pissed upon, and fall straight asleep on the couch?

Well, its too soon to answer all of those questions. For now, there is the birth. "The Baby" will be born on July 2. Thats 7/2/04. 7+2=9 and 7+2+4=11. 9/11!

Everyday that passes with no baby is a pain in the ass. On Thursday, the doctor said that it could be any day (as if it would BE anyday, and that day WOULD BE SOON), and that my wife may not make her next appointment on Monday. Well Monday is about to pass, and here we are. These doctors should watch what they say. He may not be responsible for my anxiety disorder but a little consideration would be nice. No? For the past four days we've been thinking that at any minute we're going to be heading off to the hospital. Yeah right...

I've been reading a lot about "fatherhood", and the father's role in delivery, and whatnot. Well, its a bunch of craziness. "They" expect the father to be in the delivery room "coaching" the mother. That is the word that is used: "coach"! Coach my ass! A coach is someone that knows what they are doing, has done it plenty of times, and is in the position to even teach it to others. That is why the coach of a baseball team was once a baseball player! I don't know jack shit about baby delivery, yet I'm supposed to apparently!

And consider this, why shouldn't I also "coach" a heart bypass? I know as much about operating on the human heart as I know about human baby delivery.

In other news... yes there is other news

I searched for my blog name today, and found a bunch of new hits. The first one came from a more or less legitimate source, Pittsburgh Live. . I'm one of many listed, but I'm there.

I'm now also linked at A Jolt Of Reality. I haven't had enough time to look around, but I like what I see so far.

I've really carved out a niche for myself on the internet now! It only took eight months, but now I'm your one-stop-shop for something useless

A couple months ago, I wrote about the exploits of someone named "Jen Sincox". She went to Cancun for Spring Break, got interviewed by USA Today, revealed herself to be a royal ass, then become a blog mini-phemonuisance.

My post Spring Break And Mein Kampf was the first post about this topic. Then I wrote a brief followup.

At the time I noted that since I had her name in my blog, eventually a search for "Jen Sincox" would bring up my page. Well does it ever! I'm NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET, BABY! But this isn't good. First, this little event is going to follow her forever (for awhile anyway), and that doesn't really seem right. Plus, it does ME no good. I mean, who gives a shit about her anyway? The only people that will ever search for name are her ex-boyfriends, guys that may have longed for her in high school, and possibly herself. And maybe potential companies when she tries to get a job someday, but we won't worry about that for now.

It all gets me to thinking that no one should say anything to the media, ever. "Jen Sincox" is most likely an idiot. She probably won't stay quite as idiotic as she was when she made those statements, but now they are eternally recorded on the internet. Basically, the problem is that if you are a half-way attractive young girl, and you say a bunch of stupid ass shit like that, then people (especially prudes, the sexually repressed - albeit hilarious, and religious wackos) in the our Brave New Blog World will comment. So now this chick is ruined (somewhat).

In closing, I think that its best to keep your mouth shut. If you think that something you do or say could land you in the news, then don't do it. At the very least, don't talk about it, to anyone!

In closing again, I found another post about Jen Skincox,
I love Jennifer Sincox...What does USA Today have to say about that?. This girl doesn't seem all that bright or otherwise redeeming, but she does make a point. I forgot what the point was, but its in there. Really, it is.

I actually DO read the blogs I have listed on this page. I don't read them devoutly, but I try to keep up with the gist of things. Lately, I have been reading On The Prowl because there is some interesting drama over there. Today, I found a post, on which I must now comment...

Chickpea's Blog:
"Why is it that slowness and the lack of direction is so encouraged in relationships?" - my girl Steph. "

Ant In A Hailstorm:
This is simple, and its based on a variety of factors, both personal, and social. I have found that "slowness" in a relationship is highly favorable due to enormous amount of time it takes to really get to know someone. There are so many facets of people's personalities that we simply can't get to know someone with a reasonable degree of accuracy for often up to a nine months to a year (and of course more). My experience with "going fast" is that the idea of the relationship was more powerful than the actual person I was with, and my own feelings. It has seemed that way when I pushed for things to go fast, and when I was pushed by others.

As for "lack of direction", I think that if one person is more eager than the other to get a commitment, then they perceive a lack of direction (which it sort of is). The "resistant" individual may be holding back because 1) They aren't sure of their feelings about making a commitment to you (yet), 2) They aren't sure of their feelings about making a commitment to anyone, 3) The slowness is their way of protecting themselves and getting to know you so that if and when a decision to be committed is made, it will be will full knowledge and comfort.

Slowness is most likely encouraged because it is safer for one's feelings, and more likely to lead to solid relationships based on long term knowledge of each another.

Chickpea's Blog:
"You men fucking SUCK at communication and you don't even realize just how small of a gesture it is to say hi or send an email and how fucking much it means to us females. We just need reassurance that we are alive and that you are thinking of us. Is it so fucking hard to drop a girl a "How you doin?" email?"

Ant In A Hailstorm:
Short answer, yes. Yes, it is so fucking hard. Should it be? Not necessarily. However, some people are extremely protective of their autonomy, and perceive these little points of contact as instrusive and threatening. If the relationship is going to work, this fear will work itself out, assuming the person does not have psychological problems. Over time, contact should become comfortable and easy, and mutually satisfying. This ultimately comes down to each person's individual style and how people respond to each other.


Chickpea's Blog:
"And when did it become such a fucking game of when it's appropriate to tell someone you like them? God forbid you should say it too soon, then you're done for. You risk it all when you tell someone you really like them. How fucked is that?"

Ant In A Hailstorm:
Its somewhat fucked. However, I don't think that you really ARE risking it ALL. If you tell someone you like them, and then ALL is lost. Trust me, you didn't have anything. If you tell someone you like them, and they aren't at the same place as you, but the relationship is going well, it will continue to go well. Maybe someday you'll both feel the same. Maybe not. But the simple act of expressing your feelings should not devastate a solid relationship (or friendship). In general, there is no right time, or right way, with a "right person".

Chickpea's Blog:
"You know what I want more than anything in the world right now? I want someone I can crawl into bed with, turn on the tv, curl up next to and not have to say a damn word to. I want someone who will put his arm around me and say "it's okay sweetie" knowing full well its not okay but trying anyway. I just want someone to physically be there and touch me when I have a day like today where I wish I didn't even exist. So how come the one I want to do that is oblivious and I can't even tell him how much I want him? "

Ant In A Hailstorm:
Since I don't know you, I hesitate to speculate too much. I know that everyone wants reassurance from their partners and friends. But you don't NEED that reassurance to be okay. I really used to struggle with this (I struggle with other things now!). The perception of NEED can be very repelling to the people you think you NEED the most. Ironic, eh? My recommendation is to think of specific areas where you would like reassurance, and TELL your partner about it. TELL he/she that when you are with his/her in-laws, you really would like to get that person's feedback. TELL he/she that you are open to compliments. You don't NEED them, but they are nice. Let the person know, because no one can read minds. If you express your concerns, they will either be met or not. If too many of your concerns are not addressed, then you bail (and hurt, of course)

Chickpea's Blog:
"OKay, the entire point of the post is how hard it is to tell guys you care because if you do they tend to freak the fuck out and run. You have to play this bullshit game of waiting for THEM to be comfortable enough with it even if you've known since day one. And yes, you do say hi, but once again. you've missed the point. A few notes in a diary where my thoughts are broadcasted is NOT the same as an email now and again or a phone call."

Ant In A Hailstorm:
Again, if you tell a guy that you care, and they freak the fuck out and run, then trust me, you had nothing. Nothing. Not telling them that you care will not make everything okay, or allow your relationship to thrive. Nor is their some particular right time to tell them. Sure, use some judgement, but again, any time is the right time with the right person. Conversely, it will never be the right time with the wrong person. Something else to think about is why you are so convinced that YOU want to be with this person? Have you considered whether you really know this person well enough to be so convinced? Maybe the person you are with deliberates more and considers the risks in a realistic manner and thus, seems to stall. However, maybe you should stall too. Not to give him a dose of his own medicine, but simply to sort out you thought about how YOU feel about HIM, and not the other way around.

Chickpea's Blog:
Once again the difference between men and women is made blatantly obvious.

Ant In A Hailstorm:
I really hesitate about making these generalizations. There have been some times when I've acted positively like a woman (the stereotype version). And there have been some times when I've been the most annoying kind of "guy" there is. I've seen it in many people. Nevertheless, there probably ARE some things that can be discussed about men and women in a general sort of way, so I urge you to read You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. I recommend this book to a lot of people who are confused by men and/or women.

At any rate, be cool, stay in school, etc... And keep writing.


Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay ?
Or does he even have any ?

She says :
"He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again !"

The Smiths, "Girl Afraid", Lyrics by Morrissey, 1983

Its 2:47 AM, Sunday, June 13. I'm printing out Cognitive Therapy Thought Records. I made my own templates for a variety of Cognitive Therapy techniques. The Thought Record is the one I use the most though. If anyone is interested, the Thought Record technique for working through troubling emotions and thoughts is described here, about a third of the way down. A decent overview of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be found here.

At any rate, I use these Thought Record sheets instead of pills. Actually I use pills too. In fact, sometimes I use tranquilizers. The name "Tranquilizer" is a perfect description for what they do: they "tranquilize" you. Nice... However, there are some dependency issues with those. Plus, they don't help you with underlying problems. So I use the Thought Records to help me.

As some of you, any of you, one of you, may have guessed. I have a lot of disturbed thoughts. They aren't disturbed as in "psycho" or "crazy". Rather, they are thoughts that lead me into an unpleasant frame of mind. If something bad happens at works, I start thinking "This is terrible. Everyone is going to find out I'm a fraud. I AM a fraud. Everyone will know. I can't let that happen. I'm going to get fired. I'm going to be homeless. I'm such a terrible person". I have those thoughts in split seconds of fleeting anxious emotions. They are barely perceptible until I really step back and notice them.

And I have them in every aspect of my life. If my wife seems upset (meaning, she could be tired, sick, pregnant, etc...), my first thoughts are: "She's mad at me. I must have done something terrible. She's going to leave me. Her personality will now to change into a horrible person that I hate. I hate her. She hates me. I never do anything right. I just can't please her. I'm doomed". And all of that madness was generated from... a sigh! Yes, a simple sigh. So I ask, "Are you mad at me?" Then she says no, and I try to move on.

So, today introduced more scenarios that caused me to have a great deal of "thoughts", and now I have to do my homework, to try to sort out my "thoughts". I suppose normal people do this automatically, or possibly they just don't give a shit, and act dysfunctionally. This CBT business that I do is so that I can act (continue to act) in as functional a manner as possible given the variety of stressors I have in my life now. I don't mention them all because I want to protect the privacy of some of the parties involved. Maybe I'll find code words to use someday. But when I fail to do the CBT stuff for too long, my irrational thoughts build upon each other, and eventually cause me to feel particularly disturbed (anxiety, depression, possible panic attack). So I try to keep on top of this stuff.

My printing is done. Now I can start to fill out my thought records at 3:10 AM. What a life....

CBT1 - Thought Record Template 2.doc

We lost a Great American. A Great Communicator.
Someone for whom the flags should be at half mast.
Someone who contributed great things to our world.
Someone to make us proud.
A Great Human Being.
But when it comes to his music
I suggest he said it best when he sang: "I Can't Stop Loving You."

Rest in peace, Ray Charles

(excerpted from The Lee Shore

I haven't been posting recently. Ever since late April, I only posted a couple times. Then on one of those times, I got burnt (sort of). So, here is what is going on with me:

The baby will be born within the next three weeks. My wife (yes it still sounds odd to me) may have preeclampsia, which could mean the birth will have to be caesarian, and soon. Or everything will be fine, and she'll give birth normally.

I bought my Dad's 1997 Acura. My wife's car was a 1994 Plymouth Sundance, and it was truly a hazard. So we had to get a "new" car.

I'm in the process of changing medications. I was taking Effexor XR. I've been weening myself off of it for three weeks, and I only have one more dose to go. As I gradually decreased my dosage of Effexor XR, I started to take Lexapro, which doesn't have as many problems in terms of side-effects and withdrawal issues. Of course, I indirectly owe the soon-to-be birth of my son to the side-effects of Effexor XR. Oh well. I haven't felt TOO much difference since I stopped Effexor XR. Of course, I've had withdrawal symptoms whenever I've decreased my dosage. Otherwise, I haven't been noticeably more depressed or anxious. Personally, I'm not particularly in favor of psychiatric medications. But I've taken them for a while, and I'm not quite sure what I'm like without them, and RIGHT NOW is probably not the best time to find out.

On a side note, don't these little logos get on your nerves? The little "happy guy" images on the sides of bottles and brochures for various medications. The little yellow guy is supposed to represent ME, living my life to the fullest on Lexapro. What a bunch of bullshit.

Work has been more stressful than usual. I haven't actually been busier, but I have simply been more anxious (Okay, so maybe I HAVE been more anxious. I just don't know if its because of the medicine). Every job gives me problems. That is because I have a low tolerance for frustration, and most jobs off high amounts of just that. That is the main reason I haven't been writing much. I used to write at work, and I've been busier, so I can't write. Okay, so I guess I've been busier too. And more stressed out.

Well, thats it for now. There will be more of the usual fecal jokes, negativity, and George Bush love dreams later.

// posted by Ant In A Hailstorm @ 6/10/2004 04:55:00 PM