Coming up with interesting things for this web page and blog is a real chore sometimes. And once the various self-censorship issues are factored in, it gets even more difficult to come up with good stuff.

For instance, I debated whether to post my ex-girlfriend's blog comments. I had to consider what other people would think. What would people who don't know me at all think about it? What would my current girlfriend/future mother of my future child think? What would my sister think? What would my friends think? What about casual friends? And what if my ex-gf read it? I considered all of those things and went ahead with my post because it was just too ridiculous to NOT post.

The current state of politics in the U.S. has me nearly up the wall. I can't post anything coherent about that topic right now. I think I should be my own Professional Friend. And by the way, why isn't anyone signing up? I even lowered my rates. I think that you folks are taking this as a joke, but its not.

Maybe the problem is that you frequent readers realize that I have/had problems. But see, this makes me even more qualified to deal with YOUR problems for a fee! I know the "terrain of pain". A lot of high-priced therapists have no way of relating to people's problems because their lives haven't been nearly troubled enough. You shouldn't wait any longer to solve your problems (and line my wallet - just a little). Email me at professional_friend@hotmail.com right away.

Well enough about that, for now.

All of you people should be watching Chappelle's Show.

Anyone who got all the way to the end of my last post, will see that I have started a new side-business. So far, its called "Professional Friend".

Here is how it works. You have problems. I can help. However, I'm not a licensed psychologist. I can't call myself a psychologist, so I can be your "professional friend". If you have some problems you'd like some assistance with, I will conduct therapy via email. While I'd love to do this for free, time simply will not allow it. My rates are as follows:

Initial Session: $5

Sessions 2-5: $5

Sessions 5-10: $10

Sessions 20 and above: $15

As you will see, this is quite cheap and very affordable! Plus, its very private. No pesky insurance companies need to be involved. Each "session" consists of one email from you, and then one from me, a round-trip. In my initial email, I will offer a brief synopsis of the nature of your problems and propose a strategy for you to solve it. If we continue with "therapy", I may assign homework, and reading assignments, depending on the nature of your problems.

My approach is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which touches of a few other disciplines when needed. However, I am not affiliated with any association. I will treat the following conditions:

Day to day problems and annoyances

Mild to Moderate Depression

Mild to Moderate Generalized Anxiety

If I determine that you are suicidal, or your problems are of such a nature that they cannot be dealt with in this manner, I will urge you to seek professional help, and will not accept further payment.

I will be accepting payment via Paypal. Email me at professional_friend@hotmail.com for instructions.

This is not a joke. I'm totally serious. I will be your Professional Friend!

I've been thinking about my last post. It really was quite mean. It could've been worse, but it was still pretty bad. I checked out the ex's site yesterday and found that she is spiraling further downward. Once again, I felt a sense of joy. Also, once again, I debated why I care. However, with my natural voyeuristic curiosity and the ease of the internet, I'm letting myself off the hook. Its simply too tempting and too easy. However, this time, instead of merely making fun of her (Hey, she won the Worst Bitch Move of 2003 award!), I'm going to provide some analysis of the content, some useful advice, and offer some clarity through all of the mush.

Here are some of the latest entries:

over the weekend I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I'm learning about myself - one of them has been identifying that rather than suffering from poor self-esteem, I actually struggle with feelings of abject worthlessness. I'm working to get to the bottom of this, and my mom will be happy to know that neither she or my dad did anything to cause these feelings! as I'm exploring this in therapy

She's in big trouble. Here's why.... While she has correctly identified her sense of "worthlessness", she is rather ignorant of the causes of such things. While her parents did not intentionally cause her problems, they were responsible for her development in her formative years, just like everybody's parents. Any parent that has done their best has nothing to feel bad about. However, making connections between early experiences and current behavior is frequently quite useful, and often crucial in identifying the patterns (schemas) with which we continue to live. Her hasty rejection of this influence is noteworthy because it shows that she is still most likely in denial of the nature of her problems.

The other thing to note in this paragraph is that she views her problems as a project ("get to the bottom of this"), something she can pursue and complete. Her problems are no mere obstacle. They are her entirety. She has developed her beliefs, and compensating behaviors, over 32 years. She's identified the core, "worthlessness", which is an accomplishment, but only the beginning. And I mean BEGINNING.

Also, its good to hear that she's in therapy. I'm doubtful however that it will do much good. She is very stubborn and probably wants a quick fix for her little obstacle. In therapy, this will present itself as "resistance to treatment". In addition, if her therapist isn't willing to investigate the root causes of some of her problems, then I really have to question this therapist's skills. It doesn't do any good to "blame" one's parents. That just isn't how it works. However, her core personality and coping strategies most certainly have their roots in her earliest relationships.

Here is how I'd re-phrase her comments in order to cut out the bullshit:
I believe that I am worthless. It is a confusing feeling of "wrongness". I do not know how it originated. However, it is part of my personality. Learning to work with it and around it will take a long time, perhaps my entire lifetime.

Okay, here is some more...


I'm also reading a totally unrelated book called the purpose driven life. one chapter is about how god created each and every being for his own pleasure, for him to have as part of his eternal family. the book suggests that one's purpose isn't related to one's job or other wordly manifestations of "success." rather, the primary purpose is to worship god and the book goes on to explore different types of worship.

The really alarming thing here is the crazy religious shit. I was unclear about her religious beliefs when we dated. I sort of thought they were vaguely Christian, largely magical, and entirely customized for her own use. But now she's getting guidance from some weird book. Perhaps she will "solve" her problems by immersing herself in religion. My experience would indicate that this is a distraction that ultimately causes more problems, and further indicates that she still doesn't get it. I can't offer to re-phrase this because the entire premise is disturbed.

Okay, more crazy shit...

as I try to grow through and out of these deep, deep feelings inside myself, it might be helpful to note that not only have these feelings impeded my own happiness, (and those around me,) they also cause a rift in my experience of the divine. it almost becomes a form of idolatry where I am stuck in a place of reliving (or worshipping) the bad things and the bad people, rather than reliving (and worshipping) the hope and the joy in which I was conceived...

She is correct in observing that her feelings, uh, "impede" her happiness. Although, again, we have yet another example of her belief that her low self-concept and feelings are worthlessness somehow exist outside of her. That if only they could be removed, then she'd be happy. At least she realizes that her behavior is damaging to those around her. I assume she is inferring her almost three year old son here. The last sentence verges on pure crazy. Watch out. Everything she said is nonsense. Yes, complete nonsense. "Stuck in a place", "reliving", "worshipping", "bad things and the bad people"... these are all totally fantasy. Lets see... by "stuck in a place", she is most likely trying to say that she is depressed, and by "reliving", she is most likely trying to say that she ruminates as a means to solve her problems. "Worshipping" implies that she views this process as magical and outside of her, as if she is not solely responsible. Its also distressing to see labels like "bad" tossed around. And I'm even touching the "joy in which I was conceived" line. Whoa!

Here is how she should re-phrase her comment:
My beliefs about myself are the source of my unhappiness. This unhappiness is also difficult for others. When I am depressed, I tend to ruminate obsessively in order to find the solution to my problems. This is rarely successful, yet I continue to do it because I believe that if I obsessively think about something, then I will solve it.

Final analysis:
What we have here is a person that suffers from chronic mild depression, with periodic major depression. This individual has a series of negative core beliefs, mostly dealing with identity, abandonment, and competence. When these feelings, and their associated schemas, have been activated, the individual has usually sought to minimize the discomfort through the the use of alcohol & marijuana (insider's knowledge), quasi-religious magical thinking, and obsessive rumination. These strategies, combined with a great deal of stubbornness (itself, a compensation for lack of competency) have carried her through life without any long term loss of functioning. However, the individual is extremely vulnerable to future episodes of major depression. In addition, goals involving career and interpersonal relationships will most likely be very difficult to achieve.

Okay, so thats it for this installment. I'm sure many of you may be thinking "Wow, you sure know a lot about psychology and therapy. Can you help me?" The answer, my friends, is YES! Please contact me at professional_friend@hotmail.com for instructions on receiving cheap online therapy from ME via email! Introductory sessions are $5 per email exchange (one from me, one from you). On-going treatment will cost $10 per email exchange. All sessions are payable through Paypal. This is a very cheap and discreet alternative to conventional therapy!

Lets take a journey back into the past, back to October 2003, when this blog first started. In one of my earliest entries, The Internet And My Memory, I mused about how no one ever disappears anymore, and how with a little bit of searching you can find almost anyone who has done anything somewhat notable, and whose name you can spell.

Interestingly, there are some people whose names appear only my site, because I've mentioned them.

Well, I admit it... I still search for people to see what I come up with. I'm not sure why exactly, although I have a few guesses. I won't say what those guess are right now. Although "Frequent Readers" of this page could probably piece it together, which is quite the sweet reward indeed.

I recently searched for a recent ex-girlfriend. There are couple that I hope fall on bad times. I've had eight girlfriends, I think. Of the eight, I wish harm on only two of them. Thats pretty good, right? Anyway, I found the blog of one of my recent ex's. I read it carefully looking for any signs of trouble, emotional distress, or mentions of ME! Well, my searching was rewarded with quite a gem, because within the past couple days she wrote this...

I'm doing a lot of work to get to the bottom of some fairly troubling emotional issues. and I'm proud of myself for undertaking that work. I think this sick feeling in my soul is the result of a lot of buried feelings coming on line that are combining with my insatiable need to beat myself up for any mistake I have ever made. now I'm trapped at work, perpetually on the verge of tears, not really knowing what to do to make myself feel better.

Whoa! Talk about striking vindictive gold! One can hardly ask for better than that! That's some serious "life falling apart" shit right there. And there is all sorts of funny stuff in there. Not the least of which is her penchant for using computer-related/engineering terms and buzzwords in her day-to-day life. For instance, she says that her "buried feelings" are "coming on line" as if they were on some server somewhere, and are just now being connected to a LAN. When she ended the relationship, she said our relationship wasn't "scalable". Scalable?! I also enjoy her use of cliches to describe her emotional situation ("beat myself up", "trapped", "get to the bottom", "feeling in my soul").

I feel somewhat ambivalent about the joy I feel at this discovery. Of course, I can hardly feel superior. At least, I don't think I can. I mean, I have problems. Again, you faithful readers out there are privy to the inside scoop! But I guess I'm not really all that actively disturbed. Nevertheless, as a person with emotional difficulties, I don't ever get much satifaction at being superior to others when they have problems.

Oh, fuck it! I still think its a hoot!!!

Now the reality is that she'll feel bad for a little while, then have a few drinks, get fucked up on junk, and forget about the whole thing. The next day it will be back to her usual routine. Her friends, who are just like her, will tell her how great she is, and she'll half-believe it. She'll never do the "work" on her "fairly troubling emotional issues". Then she'll get more junk, and so on... I'll still be basically the same. I'll still be chronically depressed, moderately anxious, highly knowledgeable about the inner-workings of such disorders, and tired most of the time.

Nevertheless, its just nice to know that the people we used to love suffer sometimes.

I will find out in two weeks if I'm going to have a boy or a girl. I'm pretty sure my preference is based purely on my various psychological shortcomings. I'm glad I don't actually have to make the decision.

I know that girls are easier to potty train. Thats a huge plus. Also, they are rumored to be better tempered. And they tend to be cleaner when they get older. Plus, if its a girl, I will probably have more time to myself, because we won't have any similar interests. Why? Well I figure that most likely, a girl will gravitate more towards girl activities, and expect her Mom to participate more than me. I suppose she could want to play football, but I'm just guessing that won't happen. Of course, the HUGE downside to girls is that they eventually date boys. I don't even want to fuckin' think about THAT! Oh, it just sounds like hell. I know what kids are like TODAY, in 2004. What will they be like in 10 or 12 years?! Christ, they're already walking around like little sex-moppets, and banging each other at age 10. What will they be doing in 2014? Fisting? The mere thought is crippling.

So much of my angst is related to sex in one way or the other. Damn....

A boy would be nice because he would carry on the family name (although thats more of a mixed blessing for him). Also, we might have similar interests that I'd enjoy. The downside is as I mentioned above. A boy may want me to do more boy things that I don't want to do. Thus taking away from my ME time. There is also the difficulty with potty training and the general filth surrounding many boys. Then we get to dating. While it would be nice to not have to think about some DOOFUS banging my 11 year old daughter, it isn't much more gratifying to imagine my son banging someone else's 11 year old daughter. And lord help me if he brings home all sorts of hot young girls. What torture. But I don't want him to be like I was when I was a teenager, all depressed, and pining for some unattainable confused girl.

So, I've come to something of a conclusion. I think that a girl, who has tomboy tendencies (but not overly so), and then becomes a lesbian is the least disturbing possibility for me. And isn't that what this is all about anyway?

Last year, I decided that I would try to do something nice for a change. I decided I wanted to help someone other than myself.

It was February, and I was depressed as hell, and grasping for things that could possibly change my attitude. It occurred to me that perhaps volunteering would be something I could do that would both distract me from my own life, and possibly be of some use to others. I looked around for different opportunities. Almost everything seemed like a bad idea. I couldn't see staying engaged in political volunteerism. And I didn't want to volunteer for the homeless. I figured that it would just be more depressing. Finally, I settled on Big Brothers Big Sisters. It seemed like something that might be fun, and would involve one-on-one interaction, as opposed to group interaction, which I can't stand.

The whole process took nearly four months. First you have to sign up. Then you have to receive proof that you aren't a child molester, and then you have to get people to be references. Then, once all of that is out of the way, they interview you to determine what your interests are, and what you like, and what you want to get out of the program.

As I think about it, I'm sure my expectations were out of whack. I thought it would be a lot of fun to hang out with some kid, and do fun things, and talk, and be a cool smart person. The reality turned out to be much different. I met my kid in August, and he seemed like a nice kid. He was 11 years old. At first, he didn't talk too much. And he was really quiet. And then when he WOULD talk, I could barely hear him, and it wasn't because of my hearing problem. He has this squeaky little voice and doesn't project at all.

After a few outings, it became quite clear to me that, one, he didn't have much to say, and two, we had no similar interests. Now, BBBS is supposed to match people based on similar interests. However, they appear to weight every interest equally. So, while I had a 1% interest in playing sports, and the kid had a 90% interest in playing and watching sports, they considered it a match. Consequently, the only thing we sort of had in common was rap music. And even that wasn't much of match, because I hate the way rap sounds nowadays.

Me: So did you do anything interesting lately?
Kid: No.
Me: Well, I thought you said you were starting football?
Kid: Oh yeah, we had (?) and then Kenneth (?) and I said (?)...
Me: Really, then what happened?
Kid: I don't know.
~~~~silence~~~~
Me: Do you want to get something to eat?
Kid: I don't know.
Me: Are you hungry?
Kid: Not really.
Me: Did you have Monday off?
Kid: Yeah.
Me: What did you do?
Kid: Me and my (?) to the (?) and (?) doritos.
Me: That sounds like fun.

This has been going on for six months now. Personally, I think the kid isn't into it. I think his mother set this up to get back at his father, as if to say "I think so little of you as a role model, that I'm getting him a 'Big Brother'". That turned out to be me. Now I have to get out of it somehow because this has been going on for six months and my life is completely different now, and this thing is becoming unbearable. I can't imagine the kid enjoying it either.

Once again, even though I had good intentions, it didn't work out at all. The moral of this story is Don't Do Anything Nice For Anybody.

I'm an overweight person, and it sickens me. I am probably about 20-25 lbs. overweight. A lot of people don't realize that I'm as overweight as I am though. In fact, I have managed to put on nearly 60 lbs since high school. I put on the biggest amount of weight when I started anti-depressant medications though. That was a 30 lb increase in mere months!

These medications are a huge scam, by the way. More on that later.

Somehow, I manage to carry it well though. I mean, I'm still fat, don't get me wrong. I just don't look as obese as the folks in the picture above.

Nevertheless, I hate it. I wish I wasn't fat. I realize that genetics are working against me though. Every male member of my family is overweight, in exactly the same way as me. But I can't just blame heredity. The problem is that I really like to eat. I love to eat at Wendy's. And I always Biggie Size. How can you not? Don't you know the meaning of "Value"? I also like sweets of all varieties. In addition, for the past several years, I've had enough money to indulge myself in whatever way I please.

On occassion, I have lost weight, a lot of weight. Last year, when I had a bunch of panic attacks, I dropped 17 lbs in three weeks because I couldn't eat. A couple year before that, I lost 30 lbs. And a couple years before that, I lost 26 lbs. And... of course, I put it all back on. What the hell? I just lost 26 lbs, I DESERVE cake. I should TREAT MYSELF to General Tso's Chicken for lunch, everyday.

I have joined a gym at least four times over the years. At first, I go somewhat regularly. The problem is that I hate the gym. Mostly, I hate the people there. Everyone at the gym is in better shape than me. So there are tons of supermodels, me, and a couple token morbidly obese individuals. Everyone writes them off though because they are so far gone. So it seems like I'm actually the fattest person there. Eventually, I decide that I'd enjoy NOT going more than going. And then I make that choice everyday. Before I know it, I'm making a charitable contribution to the gym on a monthly basis.

I'm not proud of any of this. Like I said above, I'm fairly disgusted with myself. When I was single, it used to be a more pressing concern. Now, I'm just worried about dying from some type of obesity-related disease. I don't smoke, and I hardly ever drink, but my french fry intake probably exceeds that of ten adults. God, I'm STARVING!

Back in the day, it was fine to grow up and be a teacher, or a construction worker, or a doctor. Rock stars have ruined all of that. I'm convinced that ever since the late 50s, a sizeable portion of the world's youth has embarked upon hopelessly deluded and bitter lives due to the notion that they should be rock stars.

It used to be that if someone was famous, they had to do something relatively hard. Becoming the "next Benny Goodman" wasn't an option. All of that changed when rock and roll music came along with its three chords and a lot of shaking. Now almost anyone with a little talent could practice for about a week or so, and play the same three chords, and be exactly the same as Elvis, Buddy Holly, etc...

This situation was made far worse by the "rock star as tortured artist" phenonemon. We have Bob Dylan and John Lennon to blame for that. Ever since the mid-60s, introspective and depressed young males around the world have envisioned themselves as the "next John Lennon" or God forbid the "next Donovan".

Then came the 70s rock star such as Robert Plant. And with it came openness about groupies and orgies. And then punk came along to make rock music even easier and dumber. Jesus Christ, learn a few a chords, scream a bit, and get tons of poon? "Really? Its that easy?! Well fuck math then!"

Being a rock star became a career option. Of course, being a rock star is not exactly like learning a trade. First of all, there is actually very little demand for rock stars. Secondly, rock stars are random and very attractive; facts ignored by 98% of Sam Ash customers. Consequently, millions (I'll bet) of young people have spent their lives fruitlessly aspiring to be rock stars, and then living out the rest of their lives as bitter old men, angry that they were never discovered and appreciated, and that idiots (did I say "idiots"?) like Scott Stapp and Fred Durst are banging porn stars and giving long interviews in Rolling Stone espousing all of their political opinions.

I am really fascinated with space exploration. And I love the idea of going to Mars. And now our President has announced that he'd like to fund a mission to go to the moon again, and then eventually to mars. Ordinarily, I'd be thrilled with this idea. Simply due to my interest in space, I should be happy to support this plan.

However.... I'm not (didn't you see it coming?). As soon as it was announced, it struck me as, well... stupid. So we're going to go to the moon (again) which is utterly useless, and then to Mars, which is apparently all red rock that looks like Arizona. Now, if there was money in the budget to spare, I'd be all for this sort of thing. However, now there is a huge deficit (the Bushies don't care about deficits), and millions of Americans still have no healthcare, and Social Security is still not stable, and Medicare is in even worse shape. Yet... the thing to do, is go to Mars.

President Bush wanted a feel-good initiative that would unite and inspire all Americans. However, I couldn't help but wonder how "conservatives" would view this. It seems that all conservatives have to think and say the same things. On the face of it, this seems like such a boondoggle, that conservatives should be against it. The Mars plan doesn't PRODUCE anything tangible, and certainly SEEMS like election year feel good politics. I know that if Clinton had suggested it, there would have been no end to the complaining. Although GOD help the religious conservatives if proof of life is found on Mars!

I listened into a couple of the conservative radio talk shows to see what people were saying. I wanted to know what the callers thought about all of this. The callers actually seemed to be grasping, unsure of what to think. Well, lo and behold, our trusted radio commentators assured them that the Mars plan was a great idea and would lead to all sorts of wondrous advances. So now "conservatives" are in favor of going to Mars. Democrats just aren't as effective in creating a homogenous blob of group think as Republicans. Although it doesn't seem like many Democrats are happy about the Mars plan. I wonder if they hate it just because Bush wants it. I wonder if they would've liked it had Clinton offered it.

Hell, I'm not convinced I wouldn't have been happy with the Mars plan if it had been Clinton's idea. Although, I remember plenty of times when I was disappointed with President Clinton the man, as well as particular policies. It seems like my conservative Republican friends have all bought into the idea that a Mars mission will lead to many new inventions and technologies that will improve our lives infinitely. Is it really possible that anything and everything President Bush does is brilliant? I guess we're lucky to have him.

I noticed that I was listed on someone's site as "An Ant In A Hailstorm - Non Sex". Something about that struck me as pretty darn funny. I thought maybe I should write a sex entry just for the hell of it. That would really shake things up. But I wouldn't be any good at it. I'm sure of it. I'm going to try for a second just to show you what it would be like....

Then she let me touch her breast. Then she let me unbutton her blouse. Oh, and by the way, what in high holy hell IS a blouse anyway?! And whatever happened to slacks? Do they still make slacks? My mom always used to tell me I needed new slacks before school started. What the hell are slacks? Then she let me look at her bra. It was black. Who's she trying to impress? Then she let me unbutton her bra. Then she let me take off her pants. They were too tight. Ladies, you're not fooling anyone. Just because you wear pants that are a size or two smaller than what fits, doesn't mean you ARE that size. Okay, and then she wanted me to talk dirty to her. I couldn't think of anything. "What, you mean, something like 'I'd like to bang you then cut your head off and throw it out the window'? Something like that?" God, I can't talk dirty without laughing. Then the phone rang. I'll bet its my mom wondering if I'm coming over for dinner. Anyway, then she let me pull her socks off...

Of course, I know why the designation of "non sex" was made. Its just struck me as ironic. Not actually ironic, but "ironic" in an Alanis Morrisette sort of way. Its always possible, however, that I WILL someday write something sexy here. I doubt it but its possible. Of course its "possible" only because I can write, and therefore could write about sex. So, I guess it isn't very possible. Oh well. More hate-filled rants next time. See ya folks!

I must be running low on irreverent new topics, because this post is another response to someone else's post. But this time I won't be so indiscreet as to say who it is, or link to that person's page. This person gets enough hits without my link.

I can see that, uh... I need an alias here... uh... the Lone Ranger is really starting to get under your skin. Is that a pun? Sorry. At any rate, you're feeling the urge to change (at least temporarily) and act in ways that will make your blog much less interesting. Its true. A monogamy blog is probably the most boring thing ever. I can imagine wonderful posts titled "How we spent our night watching Hazel", or "Smelling Each Other's Farts", or "Proficient Sex In 5 Minutes". So, at some point, you may very well have a blog problem on your hands. Especially since you seem to be longing for LR so much, and not actually being with him.

Its interesting that you're feeling the "urge to merge". Heck, you've been living my dream life. You've been doing something that I've always wanted to do. But now you're not feeling it. I guess thats okay. I hope it works out in the best way possible. Who knows? I sometimes think that if I had the kind of opportunities and experienced you've described that I'd never "settle" for just one person. I mean, why would I ever decide that I've had enough fun? Had enough fun? What the hell is that?! Nevertheless, I've seen it happen over and over. Like, why the hell did Paul McCartney decide, at the ripe old age of 27 to get married, and then stay faithful to that same person for almost 30 years? He was a Beatle for Chrissake! And then... he gets single, and he hooks up with someone else right away instead of seriously playing the field. Whatever...

A decent part of me thinks that being with one person is nuts. Thats what we're supposed to do in our culture, but I think its unnatural. Another part of me thinks I'm lucky to have ANYONE that wants to be with me. And I'm ESPECIALLY lucky that its someone I really like. But in theory, I'd like to have variety across the board. And the monogamous lifestyle just doesn't offer it. Afterall, there are only five total holes, and two of them are usually off-limits. Thats kind of gross, innit? "Holes"? Anyway, if you really like the Lone Ranger, I think you should go for it, and let whatever happens happen.

And please don't worry too much about him "running away", or otherwise rejecting you. Thats big trouble. Even if you think that he'll do that, or that people in general do that, it would be better to try to act as if there is no reason for him to run away. There probably isn't, really. I think that most people think that their inner selves and past lives are much worse than they actually are. Interestingly, I've found that people who really do have seriously fucked up personalities and histories don't see it as any cause for alarm at all. I remember when I had to tell Rebecca, "There is something I have to tell you. And I'm not happy about it, but I'm trying. Sometimes I feel dirty and I have to take two or three showers a day". See? Or when I had to tell her, "I'm getting help for it, but sometimes I seriously consider poisoning your food". No, seriously. But thats my point though. There is so much crazy shit out there. As long you're within a range of "normalcy", then you probably have little to worry about.

Personally, I think that everyone is going to eventually abandon me and I'll most likely die homeless and alone in a pile of filth and puke. But I try to work around it.

Since Deadlydiner thinks he is too incompetent to put up a Commenting system, I'm going to use this public forum to reply to a few points he made in a recent post.

So lets see "Mr. Deadly D", you're 30, and you're working on the Religion degree? Its interesting that someone as anti-religion as I think you are (you are, aren't you?) would major in Religion. Actually, I thought about it myself, but primarily so I could be Mr. Expert whenever I had to debate some religion dude. In the end, I just had to get out of college because there was no more money, so Political Science became my major. Of course, that degree has proven to be mostly useless, and frequently the cause of much aggravation. See, now that I have a pretty good understanding of the political process, I just get angrier when I see so much stupid shit going on.

When I got out of college, I certainly couldn't get any jobs on the basis of my degree. (Interestingly, the Political Science degree was a plus when interviewing for the job I have now - I work for a labor union). In order to make a reasonable living, I had to acquire a marketable skill, so I ended up learning computer programming, which I found/find tolerable. Now, I make okay money, and I have benefits and whatnot.

So, what does any of this mean for you? Nothing. I have fuckin' hated over 90% of my work/career/life since I started it at the age of 27. I have despised most of the people I've had to work with too. Christ, sometimes it was like being in middle school! Its better now. Nevertheless, if you aren't a content worker-bee type, then you may very likely HATE any job that will pay you a decent salary. The picture I'm painting here isn't pretty...

Unless you become a rock star or win a lottery, you'll have to choose between doing work that pays (the more money, the more disagreeable the work) or work you like (the more you like it, the less it will pay).

You could very well be fucked, my friend. Wait a minute, we're all fucked.

However, since you'll be gone in somwhere between 40-70 years, perhaps its better to be content, and not work for the man. If you can go to school, then perhaps you should. It just depends on your priorities. The longer you drift, the harder it will be to provide a secure (conventional, etc...) life for yourself (and possibly a family if you don't use proper protection). I'm talking about things like saving for your child to go to college, retirement, health care, etc... Now if you don't care about that, you should really take off and live it up as long as your body and tolerance of poverty will hold out.

Personally, I didn't have any agenda to speak of prior to becoming an expectant father. Now, I sort of have a purpose. But before, I just drifted along aimlessly, screwing around, waiting to die, worshipping the Dark Lord, watching all my friends move to better and warmer parts of the country, and occasionally dating some girl.

Hmm... maybe you should be on anti-depressent medication. Aside from ruining your sex life, they can really turn your entire life upside down. See my post from October 30, 2003.

Due to increasing financial pressure, in order to keep this site free, I've been forced to solicit and accept advertisements. Yes, I know its a huge sellout. These ads are destroying us all, little by little. However, in order to advance my radical anti-commercial, anti-advertising, anti-GOD, anti-Bush, anti-everything radical agenda, I am now posting ads. Please help my site remain free by visiting the sites of my sponsors. Thank you.

At first I thought, "Blogs suck". Of course, this meant that "I suck", since we all know that I HAVE a blog. I started off by referring to my blog as my "journal", then my "online newspaper", quickly followed by my "best friend", then "sex partner", and finally just "webpage".

Why am I having all of this conflict over what to call my blog?! My first impressions about Blogs were formed by articles in magazines. Most of the articles tended to put treat the entire blog "thing" in a condescending manner. Blogs are something that only teenagers do, and they are filled with junk, and minutae, and are totally worthless. Without hesitation (the way I do most things), I simply adopted this view myself. I mean, who cares?

Granted, most blogs are written by spotty teenagers. Most of them are very boring. (Hell, this one is frequently boring!). I've perused many blogs over the past months and have found very little originality, and even less decent writing. Okay, but so what? Yes, that is the downside. Blogs have given everyone with an internet connection the ability to communicate with the world. And that is mostly not a GOOD thing.

However...
Blogs have also become a form of getting the news, communicating and sharing information, and entertainment. Even the crappy blogs by twelve year olds are mildly entertaining. So I'm thinking, "news, communication, entertainment"... no WONDER the mass media portrays blogs as a total waste of time. Yes, blogs are a waste of time, but compared to what?! Professional web pages, magazines, major newspapers, and writers with journalism degrees? With very little effort, and zero technical know-how, and of course - no credentials, anyone can write in a blog and potentially get an audience. And these individuals can write about all of their wacky ideas, and anything else that comes to mind. And they aren't censored. No wonder the professional writers and journalists in Newsweek, PC Computing, and NBC sneer at blogs.

Therefore, from this day forward, in the spirit of revolution and piss, I will defiantly proclaim myself the owner and writer of... yes, a blog. And I will not be ashamed to stand to with my fellow pimply teens and tweens and say, "I have a blog!"

UPDATE 01/13/04
I have changed my commenting system to Haloscan because Blogspeak is gone. I don't know if its temporary or permanent. This really pisses me off, but I suppose I always knew it was a possible risk. Actually, can a risk be possible? I think that something "risky" is by definition, "possible". At any rate, if Blogspeak ever comes back, maybe I'll transfer some of my precious comments.

It drives me crazy that a lot of my web site is dependent on the services and servers of outside parties. I should be happy that they are free. Nevertheless, when they faulter, it pisses me off. Perhaps the occassional server failure is what I get for "free". Currently, my comments are gone! Ugh... my comments! My favorite part of the whole site, goddammit! I use Blogspeak, but its down at the moment. Go ahead, click on that link. Its no use, its down. F me!

Wow, look at my new layout. Pretty soon, I'll be taking ads. Nothing too shocking really. I just hacked up the template a good bit. The biggest novelty is the little "Message Board" thing I pasted in from Tagboard. I urge everyone to leave messages. These messages are meant to just be notes. If you want address any of my posts ("articles"), use the comments. See ya.

I can't imagine how it can be any worse. Of course, all of us that have been following the news regarding President Bush and his leadership abilities, and understanding of policy issues, have known all along that he was seriously deficient. It seems that as time goes on, the verification of this gets more and more solid. Read this article: Ex US-Treasury Chief: Saw No Evidence of Iraq WMDs. I'm sure Bush's administration goons will try to find some way to discredit O'Neill. But back on December 31, 2000, here is what Bush said about O'Neill:

Our economy is showing warning signs of a possible slowdown,'' said Bush. ``So it is incredibly important for me to find someone who had vast experience, who is a steady hand, who when he speaks, speaks with authority and conviction and knowledge. I found such a man in Paul O'Neill.

I can't believe he's probably going to be re-elected.

Has anyone ever said this to you? A lot of people have said it to me. Does that mean its true? Am I JUST LIKE Seinfeld? Personally, I don't think so. I just don't see it. This comment has been frequently made while I am telling a story, particularly one that has an improbable twist or two. Still, have there never been such stories prior to 1989? Have they never been told with a creative zeal, such that the person listening found them quite witty?

Of course, I should take it as a compliment that ANYONE laughs at the things I say (or write). And if they say I'm "just like Seinfeld", I know they mean it as a good thing. The problem is that I've heard this same comment said about a lot of other people as well. And some of them either aren't funny, or aren't at all "like Seinfeld". On a few occassions, the same person will refer to a couple of different people, including myself, as being "just like Seinfeld". And I'll look at these other people and they aren't even funny a little bit. Or, maybe they're sort of funny, but not like Seinfeld, but in a Robin Williams way, or just a retarded way. Then I feel a bit insulted.

This happened several months ago in fact. Someone said I was "just like Seinfeld", and I took it in stride. Then a few days later they said that this other guy, who was perhaps the most unfunny person in the world, was also "just like Seinfeld". I simply couldn't take it anymore! I asked her, "How can you say HE'S just like Seinfeld, and so am I? I'm not the same as him! Do you think our senses of humor are the same? Please tell me what about him is like Seinfeld!" She sort of stammered around the issue because, of course, she never thought about it before. I pointed out that perhaps he's more like Ray Romano, or Tim Allen. Why does every funny person have to be Seinfeld?

Personally, if we're going to use "Seinfeld" as our entire realm of comedy, then I think I'm probably more like Larry David, the co-creator of Seinfeld. But even that is a stretch. Aside from his millions of dollars, he's simply brilliant, whereas I'm merely good (I hope). Of course, I assume that when and if I'm ever funny, or say funny things, I'm influenced by different people. And Jerry Seinfeld could be one of those people. So could Jerry Springer, Archie Bunker, Howard Stern, my cousin, Howard Dean, my roommate in college, Yakov Smirnov, Karl Rove, this one kid I knew in high school, etc...

Jesus, it reminds me when every band in the late eighties "sounded like REM". Maybe they did. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm not "just like Seinfeld", and you aren't either, and neither is that doofus my friend referred to.

People, please tell me this is crazy. I made a joke of it in my January 7, 2004 post, Sleeping Together, but my friend, Leah, has been telling me that she and her husband actually leave the door open while they take a crap. In fact, they even have conversations with each other while crapping. I think this is just totally insane, but she thinks its NORMAL. She said that they will have discussions even while wiping! I simply can't imagine her pinching one out while having a conversation with her husband. No, I refuse to believe it. And, I refuse to believe its normal.

The other possibility is that she is goofing on me. She's been telling me this story for a couple years now, and I've been skeptical right from the beginning. She claims its no joke. However, prior to telling me about this unusual habit, I told her a bit of tall tale myself. And I'm not convinced that her claims are not payback. Y'see, I once told her that when men use the bathroom, they will share the urinal if all of the other urinals are taken. I explained that its expected behavior, and that if you don't share the urinal, you are expected of being gay. Why gay? Because if you're a guy, and you have an issue with another guy taking a piss right beside you in the same urinal, then its probably because you're afraid that you'll get turned on.

I think I made quite a convincing case. So much so that she went home and asked her husband, who promptly explained that I was f'ing with her. So, I'm thinking that perhaps she's having a huge joke on me in order to get back at me. Although MY little joke only lasted a day. Her joke, if thats what it is, has lasted for over two years now.

People, please tell me this is insane. It is, isn't it? Right?

Also...
I'd like to thank all you kind folks for your links and smiles. A special shout out to Real Stories. Thanks for the email. Keepin' it real. And another shout out to On The Prowl. Yo, your stories are mad crazy! Keep rockin' it. Yo, and I can't forget Mr. Deadlydiner. Your dreams WILL come true, my son. And yo yo yo, I'd like to thank God, without whom...

Oh, and one more thing... Wu-Tang is for the children!

I'm Out. Peace!

One of the funniest things I heard all last year was on David Cross's cd "Shut Up You Fucking Baby", where he says "And another thing I hate about that fucking asshole...". He got a bit of a laugh because he referred to the President as a "fucking asshole". I laughed. It's startling to hear after all. Yet, it seemed appropriate to me. Finally, someone was saying what I really think.

I admit it, I hate the President. I'm talking about President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of The United States, my president. I didn't hate his father, the 41st President. A lot of people seem to hate his son though, just like me.

It used to drive me crazy that so many people hated President Clinton, who I rather liked. I sometimes thought that the people who hated Clinton would rather see the country go down the toilet, than to see the Clinton's policies (and thus, Clinton himself) succeed. Of course, the years during which Bill Clinton was President saw almost every aspect of public life get better. I'm certainly not willing to claim that Clinton's actual policies were the cause of the this development. However, more people made more money than ever before. More people had jobs. The stock market skyrocketed. Crime was down. Even though the pro-lifer's made little progress, the actual number of abortions went down. And even though there were more health, safety, and environmental regulations placed on business, profits were still higher than ever.

This isn't a pro-Clinton post, however. You can even debate my assertions if you like. Hell, why don't you just assume that I'm at least half-wrong on my estimation of the Clinton years! Things were still pretty good, even if I'm half-wrong. Nevertheless, my point is that the Clinton-haters would have rather seen all of those things NOT happen than President Clinton be successful. At the time, I thought this was the height of absurdity. No matter what happened during the years of the Clinton administration, his detractors (powerful ones at that) wanted to destroy him. (In the end, they basically did - I'm NOT going to debate the Monica Lewinsky episode).

Yet, now I am in just such a position. I find myself rooting for Saddam Hussein. I keep hoping Osama Bin Laden is never captured, and that al Qa'ida is emboldened to unleash more terrorist attacks on US soil. I hope that the economy fails, the stock market crashes, more people lose jobs, and that everything just gets WORSE. Why would a supposedly rational, intelligent person such as myself (yes, folks) be so totally irrational? The answer is that I hate President Bush so much that I'd rather see him fail personally than see his policies succeed or see things go well and Bush get the credit, even if things get BETTER (which I doubt will happen in most cases, but thats another story). I'd rather see the world become a WORSE place so that Bush will lose re-election, and possibly experience personal humiliation and shame.

From the standpoint of decreasing the supposed threat posed by terrorists, I'd rather see Osama Bin Laden captured, and al Qa'ida weakened. I'd like to see the economy do well. I want people to have jobs, and so on... So, what if these things happen? What if, despite my strong convictions, President Bush's policies lead to a better world? Then what? I suppose I should vote for him, and say he's a good President. Of course, I'd still have problems with his anti-environment position, his pro-life position, his position on taxes, his lack of concern for worker's rights, and his efforts to deal with the Medicare problem, health insurance, and prescription medication.

Okay, so I won't vote for him, no matter how well the terrorism thing goes, or how many economic indicators show good results. Still, a lot of things CAN go well, and I don't want that to happen because I want Bush to fail. So, I will now attempt to list the reasons that I have developed a completely irrational hatred towards this man.

1. I don't like the fact that he he was a privileged party boy and a 20 year drunk and drug user.
2. I don't like his simplistic way of thinking.
3. I don't like his lack of intelligence and inability to speak articulately.
4. I don't like his arrogance.
5. I don't like the smug look on his face.
6. I don't like his distrust of intellectuals and learning in general.
7. I don't like his religious beliefs.
8. I don't think he deserves to be president (or is qualified, as opposed to his father)
9. I don't like the way he gets all of his information from advisors, and seemingly has nothing to offer himself.
10. I don't like his, and his administration's, policies on a wide variety of topics.

Okay, thats a nice rounded-off number of reasons. As you may notice, most of those reasons are personal (dare I say psychological), and are more about me than him. I don't like anybody with the traits I listed. But this guy is the President, and he actually can do things that impact a lot of people. However, does it all justify my wish that the world (or at least the United States) suffer, simply so he will be disliked and not re-elected? Does it justify me rooting for Saddam Hussein, a vicious maniacal killer, instead of Bush and the US military? Probably not, I hate to say.

I'm not going to end this post with any grand statement. What can I say? I still hate the guy. Its a very visceral thing. And many other people hate him too. They really hate him. And probably for a lot of the same reasons I mentioned above. So thats just how it goes. We're all screwed, you see? Either the world turns to total shit (hoo-ray!) and we get a new President, or Bush gets re-elected and we continue to hate him. Damnit!

Postscript: You may have noticed that I also included two pictures of Vice President Dick Cheney, because this guy is just fucking scary!

I always knew that I would never take to sleeping with someone in the same bed. The few times that I did it were usually under duress, and I didn't enjoy it. And I didn't sleep. That sounds like it means something else. What I mean, is that I wanted to sleep, and was trying to sleep, and I could not sleep.

Two of the reasons why most of my past relationships were so short-lived were 1) I'd do the sleepovers, and would be sleep-deprived, and thus agitated and anxious. 2) Or, I'd avoid sleepovers, or we'd discuss it and it would cause arguments that wouldn't get resolved. Usually the two of these got intertwined.

I've been sleeping in the same bed with someone for over a month. That is the longest I've ever managed. However, I can't say that its an unqualified success. I often lie awake at night in a fear that she'll invade my side, and I'll have to be "assertive", and tell her to move over a little. Or sometimes, I just listen to her breathe. Its funny how many weird noises people make when they sleep. And that's another problem, it turns out that I snore, which is appalling to me. And GOD help me if I detect a fart brewing! I'll be awake all night until I deal with it. Sometimes I lie in bed, just hoping that it will go away. But it usually doesn't. Then I have to get out of bed, leave the room, go to another room, and do my thing. The other option is to hope for a silent, but non-smell kind. I try to think about what I had to eat that day, as if I can discern with any reliability the degree of harm my flatulance might cause. But thats risky because "silent but violents" are still possible. And Jesus help me, if I unleash a freight train.

If I can't sleep, I turn on the radio and listen to Coast To Coast, a radio show about ghosts and UFO's. If they have something interesting on, I'll be awake all night. Last night was good. They had this guy, Joel Skousen, that is convinced the U.S. government allowed 9/11 to happen.

I'm hoping that I get used to all of this. Damn, I slept alone in my own bed for years; 32 years actually. Personally, I don't see any reason why people should sleep together. Just because I like someone, love someone, or am married to someone, why should I sleep with them? It doesn't seem necessary. Why don't we crap together too? If we have to do something as personal and private as sleeping with the person, then shouldn't we also have side-by-side toilets so we can crap together?

When we're asleep, we aren't talking to each other, or having quality time. Basically, when we're asleep, its like we don't exist to each other at all. Duh, we're asleep! So why not sleep in separate beds? Or in separate rooms? It makes sense to me, but I know I'm all alone on this one.

Now that I have a few readers (I reckon I have about 3 or 4), I have become overly concerned with what I write here. I keep thinking "Will so and so find this interesting?" Or "So and so might take offense".

I know that about four of my friends read this thing on a semi-regular basis. I also know that two people found me, and linked to me (I returned the favor), so its possible that they read too. Some guy that takes offense at my agnostic/atheist stance and my lack of support for the "War On Terror" used to comment all the time. I have recently discovered that a girl who writes about her sexual exploits in her blog also reads my site (and she even thinks I'm funny... Jesus Christ Almighty!).

Speaking of which, I was scanning my comments and other blogs, and was reading On The Prowl, when Rebecca came upstairs. I knew better than to do the lightning quick alt-tab. Years of cubicle web surfing have taught me that alt-tab isn't actually lightning quick. So, I had to do some quick explaining. There really wasn't much to explain, "Y'see, I was looking at sex blogs and I wrote about it, and then she saw that I wrote about her's, and then she mentioned my site, and... I'm not having an affair".

AND, my Dad has read it (he sent me an email reminding me that I am sort of related to Madonna - very distant). And I think my sister sometimes stops by to see if there is anything interesting. I'm pretty sure she doesn't read any of the more topical pieces though. And lastly, there is always the possibility that my girlfriend/soon-to-be-mother of my child/future wife will read it. I don't think my mother reads this site. And I'm pretty sure no ex-girlfriends read it, or even know about it.

Given that I have a more or less varied (yet small) reader base, I have started to filter my words through each person's gaze. That's not good. I simply cannot allow myself to be censored. The world must KNOW what I think about CHIPS, Swing Music, the hottest Spice Girl, why Gloria got fat, ADHD, places I used to work, Jews, etc... People MUST know!

Here is the deal with Madonna... she was a marginally talented singer/dancer/actress whose blonde ambition far exceeded her ability. So, how in the world has she managed to remain famous?! After all, she STILL has a career in music after 20 years. A twenty year career in pop/rock music used to be a big deal back when people like Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger didn't have 40 year careers. My point is that a 20 year career of relatively sustained success is quite an achievement. How DID she do it? How did this Detroit-born girl, of moderate attractiveness, and moderate talent keep us so interested?

I'm not sure she created this scheme (I'll have to think about that), but she's certainly executed it better than anyone else thus far. Madonna's music was average pop crap. Her talents were marginal. Typically, the public loses interest in someone with marginal talent and ability. Heck, the public will lose interest in anyone that isn't exceptional. And we all know that Madonna is not exceptional! However, where her talent was thin, her media saavy was FAT. She knew she could never hold interest for long as an actual singer (and god knows not as an actress), so what she did was simply generate news. Madonna stayed famous by simply making the headlines.

Even though she wasn't any big talent, she was still a "celebrity". And the news media will cover ANY celebrity that does a lot of stupid shit. So... Madonna did the following notorious things: Married Sean Penn, had a bad marriage, insulted a Beatle (George), fucked Warren Beatty, made a video that pissed off Catholics ("Like A Prayer"), made a video that pissed off moralists, MTV and raised censorship issues ("Justify My Love"), said the F-word on Letterman, fucked Dennis Rodman, let her boob pop out in "Papa Don't Preach", made a stupid S&M book that showed her naked and called it "Sex", got involved in kooky religion (Kabala), had nude pictures of herself leak to Penthouse Magazine, adopted a British accent, had a baby out of wedlock.

Jesus Christ! When you look at the list, its simply amazing! And I'm probably missing a few things. So she's a huge loser, right? Yeah, of course, but all of that stupid shit got her a lot of ink! So she never disappeared from the public eye. And when she put out albums or movies, there was always some controversy following in the rear. Bottom Line: Madonna gave the media what it wanted - Sensationalistic bullshit, and the media gave Madonna what she wanted - Coverage. Thus, Madonna is still famous.

There is actually one other contributing factor in Madonna's continuing fame, and that is her penchant for paying big bucks to music producers who are "hip" and "now" to make her music, and then jettisoning them when they fall out of favor. But thats a rant for another day.

So, why did Britney Spears get married over the weekend? Its simple! Britney, media whore that she is, has never hidden her admiration of Madonna. She has frequently stated that she would like to be an "artist" (yes, "artist") like Madonna. But Britney Spears is EVEN LESS talented than Madonna. Yes, she sings worse, and she dances worse, and she's a worse actress. On every count, for as bad as Madonna is and was, Britney Spears is actually WORSE. So if she plans on staying famous, she's going to have to pull some really fucked up shit, or else people will simply forget about her.

The formula is "the worse you are, the worse you have to be". Or to say it another way, "a person's degree of notoriety must be inversely proportionate to their degree of talent" (aka "The Madonna Fame Theorem").

And leave it to Britney (or most likely, her handlers) to have studied "Madonna's Guide To Fame". So far, its worked, but just barely! Each album she has made has sold significantly less than the previous album, even though she has become more and more notorious (not to mention nude). Her latest album, "In The Zone", has not sold well (not by her standards), and has not generated a hit song. (No, "Me Against The Music" was NOT a hit). The only reason she's even been in the news AT ALL lately is because she kissed (guess who?) Madonna on MTV, she sings about sex on her album, and she got even more naked in recent men's magazine spreads. And now she's made everyone think she's crazy by getting married and unmarried in the space of 24 hours! Everyone is talking about her again. Inside Edition has a story, Ant In A Hailstorm is writing about it, she's on the front page (somewhere) of nearly every paper.

So what we now have is Britney's most desperate publicity ploy combined with her worst sales figures yet. How long before she is doing Ron Jeremy? At this rate, I'd guess we'll be seeing that sometime next year when her record company is once again duped into releasing another one of her records, and she needs to generate some fake publicity. And we owe it all to Madonna...

I copied this from Dan's old site, Drunken Ravings of a Lonely Man.

Causes of deaths on US soil in 2001-

Gun related: ~11,000
Drunk driving: ~17,000
Lung Cancer: ~150,000 (!)
Heart disease: ~700,000
Flu: ~62,000
Suicide: ~30,000
al Qa'ida: ~3,000

I encourage "all" of my readers to check out his January 5th post, "PURPORTED BIN LADEN TAPE URGES JIHAD (FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME)". Since he has chosen to make a brave political statement, I feel safe in cowardly linking to it instead of making my own. He still doesn't have comments though. Coward!.

When I was about 20 years old, I looked around my dorm room, and realized that I had posters of a lot of men hanging on my wall. This wasn't a gay thing however. I had posters of rock stars like The Beatles, Neil Young, Brian Wilson, etc... It dawned on me that these people don't give a fuck about me. They don't know me, and thus don't care if I live or die. Yet, my dorm room was a virtual shrine to these people. Its fine that l liked their music, but was it really necessary to further glorify them by placing giant pictures of their heads all over my walls? I wondered why I didn't have a poster of my Dad hanging somewhere. After all, he not only knew me, cared about me, and so on... but he even PAID for the room in which I had my mini-shrine.

So what does this have to do with celebrities, you may be asking. This little episode in my life made me realize that I really had my priorities all out of wack. I was very concerned about these famous people, and even sought to emulate them to some extent, yet I was not nearly so interested in the people in my life. And once I started to look at it, it seemed that almost everyone was like this.

Now I'm guessing there are anywhere from 50-200 celebrities in the world. And possibly another 1000 or so minor celebrities, former celebrities, has-beens, also-rans, and porn stars. Yet, for some reason we all seem to revolve around them. We're very concerned about "J Lo" and "Ben Affleck". Hell, we even refer to that idiot as "J Lo". The whole world knew that Britney Spears got married and unmarried within hours of it happening. And we fawn over their houses, and cars, and their parties. We buy into their hype totally, and seemingly pay little attention to the actual people in our lives, including our own damn selves!

And why? As usual, because all of this shit is force-fed down our throats by companies that buy time on TV and radio to make sure we know about all of the exploits of our favorite "stars". A nexis of players, including the actual star (the merchandise), PR people, advertisers, programmers, and network excutives, conspire to elevate certain individuals (usually marginally talented, but very good looking people) to a universal status so we can consume their movies, music, and the products they endorse. We must be convinced that Jennifer Aniston's and Brad Pitt's elevated status is REAL, and JUSTIFIED, and not simply manufactured, so the executives at Vivendi Universal, Sony, and Time Warner can remain bedecked in new cars, multiple luxury homes, and fancy clothes. Oh, and the famous celebrities get some too!

And... no one cares that these people are totally meaningless to us. No one notices that as the "stars" drive around in luxury cars, and have fabulous holidays, and take two years off because the "need a break", we are slogging through our "jobs", longing for the glorious two days (the weekend) when we can relax, and see movies and watch tv and listen to music, and generally contribute to the sustenance of the lifestyles of people who don't fucking give two shits about us. Ah yes, sweet, sweet, bitter irony...

Although don't you love it when the whole process breaks down? Like when there is some person who simply WILL NOT achieve fame on despite every desperate attempt? Take Tea Leoni. You probably don't know who she is. It seemed that for years, people were trying to make her a star. And it never worked. Despite heavy promotion of her lame tv shows and movies, she never became famous. Even a faux-scandal claiming that her husband were sex-addicts didn't do the trick. There are others that simply won't stick: Ricki Martin, Jenna Elfman, that horrible girl from those Pepsi commercials, etc... It must be heartbreaking for them. Boo hoo.

Wow. My post about sexblogs sure has generated a lot of enthusiam. By "a lot", I mean "a little". Nevertheless, thats something for ME. A couple days ago Lori told me that she read my January 1st entry "New Year, More Of The Same"and then she checked out one of the sites I mentioned, On The Prowl, and the girl that writes THAT site mentioned MY site. Well, she didn't actually mention it by name. But she DID refer to it indirectly, and included a link to it. See for yourself.

At first I thought "Wow!". And then I thought, "I hope I didn't say anything insulting". And then I thought, "I hope I didn't say anything TOO insulting". And then I jacked off thinking about all of the hot chicks that would be reading my site as a result of her linking to me. No? Uh... okay, I was thinking about the men.

I imagine that my new visitors were bored when they realized that there was no sex, no hookups, and no sucking. Come back in 6 months, folks. There will be plenty of sucking then. My baby sucking a bottle, and me up at night, not able to sleep, thinking that life sucks. Ha! Maybe instead of calling this thing "An Ant In A Hailstorm", I should've called it "Jack Off's Guide To Infrequent Sex", in which I detailed the few moments in my life during which I had sex with a person, and how each time it resulted in my life becoming a total fiasco that scared away my friends, alarmed my family, and caused me to change medications. Now THAT would've been a hot sex blog.

About a week or so ago, some guy died that was in my high school class (North Allegheny Senior High School, 1989). My friend, Bill, alerted me to this by sending a link to his obituary. I immediately recognized his name, but I had no recollection of him. I looked at his picture in the yearbook, and he sort of looked familiar, but I can't say I knew who he was. The fact that I DID remember his name (let's call him "Dwayne") makes me think that he was somehow notorious. Bill thought he remembered Dwayne as being an arrogant "prick" that hung out with the "cool" crowd. I asked a couple other people and they didn't know anything either.

Then I went about trying to determine how he died. The obituary didn't say, but since he was young, it had to be something out of the ordinary. Bill suggested AIDS or suicide. He was a doctor, so I doubt he could've had AIDS. The obituary requested that donations go to a local college urology department. I thought maybe he died of something along those lines. But after some sleuthing, I found him listed as a provider employed by a local urology practice. I'm guessing he didn't die in a car crash because a car crash resulting in death would've made the news. So suicide seems to be the most likely option.

I honestly have to say, that I'm not happy or sad about this guy dying. I suppose if I KNEW for sure that he had been a prick in high school, then I might have some mixed feelings (as opposed to none). Even if he had been a prick 15 years ago, there's no way to know if he was still a prick. If he had been a prick in high school, and then died during high school, or shortly thereafter, I'd probably feel a little pleased. I don't think any of the high school assholes died. Not as far as I know.

I've already become fairly disgusted with blogging. That didn't take too long. Just like in my real life, everyone is having more sex than me, and people are trying to convert me to the Lord. Holy freakin' hell. It never ends....

Sex Blogs
I recently found out about "sexblogs". I should've known, but my naivete knows no bounds apparently. These people actually write about their sexual experiences and people comment. They even seem to meet other people through their blogs. There are literally thousands of these things too. I stumbled upon this horrible delicious world because someone that linked to my site, linked to one of these sexblog sites. Then I started clicking away, and before I knew it, I was back in that "I'm a lame-o in college that never gets laid" world.

Here are some of the blogs I found. Look at this one! Its called A Cumwhore's Diary! What?! Holy shit! Cumwhore?! I think Moving On is by a dude thats boning a lot of chicks. And then there is On The Prowl, where some chick bangs a lot of dudes. She claims that it ISN'T a lot, but in my book, its a lifetime's worth! I find it all quite scandalous, horrible, and wonderful. I'm disgusted and jealous. Deadlydiner, are you checking this out?

Find The Lord, Or Not
When I was in college, it seemed like every fourth person was trying to convert me to Christianity. I doubt they would've tried so hard if I had been a Muslim, or a Jew. But if you are Agnostic or Atheist, or whatever they want to call you when you don't believe there is a God and have no religion, then watch out! You are considered fresh meat. Of course, that really isn't the case at all. In a predominantly religious society where almost everyone believes in God, determining that you DON'T is a pretty big step, and not one that is taken lightly. It takes a lot of time, and sometimes study, not to mention deep contemplation (and yes, even tears, folks!) to determine what you DO believe if not what the prevailing culture believes. Plus, deciding that you are going to follow your conscience, and go the non-religious route means that you're potentially opening yourself up to a lot of social isolation. Typically, this isn't done on a whim.

Well, despite all of that, just like in real life, in blog life, people try to convert me. I make frequent, what I suppose you could call "anti-religious" remarks on this page, and I have also mentioned my various beliefs and non-beliefs from time to time (in a humorous manner, of course, ha ha...). And... since my email address is available, and I have a Comments system, people try to enlighten me from time to time. Yes, its happened several times in the short life of this blog. I swear I'm like a magnet to these noble religious people. Maybe I'm the "Ace Of Spades". Part of me looks at the urge to convert as perhaps a benevolent gesture in our otherwise uncaring world. Most of the time, however, its just annoying. I haven't bothered with the philosophy of religion since college, but every so often I get engaged in this debate again, and I have to refer to the dark recesses of my brain and reference Pascal, Kant, Aquinas, Hume, and Russell; my old friends from my "Period Of Religious Turmoil". Whatever...

Question: What will the year 2004 bring to this my life, and this blog (Oh! How I hate that word!)?
Answer: Probably more of the same.