Once again, Christmas has come upon us. Its that time of year again. A time for cheer and so on. Last year's Christmas post was pretty damn negative. Although, it isn't written yet, I'm guessing that this year's Christmas post will be the same, only more so.


I remember, so many years ago, when I used to pray to Jesus Clause. I really used to be quite the believer. I mean, I was at least tring. And I used to pray, sometimes everday. I used to pray in the following manner:

Dear Jesus Clause, please make Lauren like me. Please. Is that asking too much? Is that wrong? I'm sure you know what you're doing, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm sorry. Oh and please bring me the Traveling Wilburies on cd. I just don't know what I'll do if Lauren won't like me. I'm sure you could make that happen and not be terribly inconvenienced. I would be ever so grateful. I'm not trying to make jokes. I mean, of course, I'd like for there to be peace, and for everyone to be healthy, but everyone wants that, so I won't bother asking. I'm sure you've already made your mind up about those things anyway. But I really think you should give this Lauren thing some serious consideration. Amen.

Yes, I summoned that prayer to Jesus Clause from my past, so many years ago it seems. And thats what it sounded like. Well, as it turned out, this "Lauren" individual never did "like" me (you know, in THAT way), so I guess Jesus had other plans.

And now, so many years down the line, I have forsaken Jesus, and the God whom he claims as his father. Yet, I have found myself in the somewhat odd position, of defending the world's first white revolutionary. Well, I'm not really going to defend him. He doesn't need it I'm guessing. What, he has Falwell and Robertson that, right? I'm just going to defend the holiday named for him.

Its true... Jesus put the Christ in Christmas. But who FUCKING cares??!!! What does Christmas have to do with Jesus anyway? Its all an orgy of parking lots, shopping, and waiting in lines. It doesn't matter. So here's my advice, broken down to the different groups who seem to having problems this year:

Christians: Shut the fuck up. This is your holiday. You people rule the world. You can have it any way you want it. This is what you've chosen. Stop complaining that the ACLU is trying to steal Christmas. They aren't and they can't. You people are fucking morons. If you don't want Christmas to be "stolen", don't shop this year.

Jews: I know its terrible to be a Jew, especially during Christmas. And we all know that Hanukkah isn't the same thing. But this Christmas thing doesn't change anything. You're surrounded on all sides. You can't win. Christmas is just a word. It doesn't matter what you call it. It could be "Fuckmas". It doesn't matter. The Christians botched this holiday years ago. Sit back and enjoy the time off.

Atheists, Agnostics, Muslims, Hindus, Blue States: See Jews.

ACLU: Don't you see what is happening here? Those fuckers are dragging you into a pissing match just to discredit you on important issues. They want people to think that the ACLU is an anti-religious, devil worshipping organization that wants to steal Christmas. And people are dumb enough to believe it. Just stop it. It doesn't matter if people say Christmas in schools or have nativity scenes on federal property. Thats small time. Get out of this mess.

In conclusion, I'd like to give a belated thanks to Jesus Clause for being born and making sure that I'm able to have several days vacation at this time of the year. I'd rather not work, and YOU make it possible. Hell its 12:30 AM, and I'm still awake! Woo hoo!!!