Here it is, the first entry in the 2004 awards. And its pure rant!

You know what I'm talking about; those damn "The 100 Most Outrageous Celebrity Moments", "Top 100 Loudest Farts", "Top 100 Male Singers". And now for the nominees. The filthy, filthy nominees...

1. 100 Most Outrageous Celebrity Moments: Its no secret that I hate celebrities, so what are the chances that I'd deem this list to be worthy of my viewing? This is just pure garbage. VH1 came up with this idea. No question, this is why TV was invented. For this.

2. Rolling Stone's Best 500 Songs: Ugh... another list of best songs, or best albums, or hardest rock star dicks. Seriously, this shit just makes me want to puke. What songs are eligible? All songs? Only fairly popular songs? And what is the criteria? Popularity? Social significance? Melody? Lyrics? Composition? Bullshit. Pure bullplop.

3. People Magazine's Most Beautiful People: Seemingly harmless, right? No! Harm-FULL. Who reads this shit! Who the hell in the world is beautiful? I saw a pretty hot chick the other day at the deli but she isn't on the list. So its "Most Beautiful Celebrities". Well, at least its something that we can all relate to. By "we", I mean everyone that doesn't work, and has five hours a day for exercise and massage, as well as a personal chef and a personal plastic surgeon. Oh, and good looking too. Very good looking.

4. E! Televisions Top 101 Crimes Of Fashion: How can I even include this on the list of bad lists? Isn't this list having a list of "Worst Bands" or something, and including "New Kids On The Block" and "Menudo"? There truly is nothing worse on cable than E!, so when they do a list of the "MOST" whatever, you know its going to be bad. And something like this is just... well, Lowest-Common-Denominator, barnyard TV.

And the winner is... Rolling Stone's Best 500 Songs!

I have to tell you, I found this more infuriating than all of the other lists. For one thing, those other lists are crap meant for crappy people with crappy interests. The Best 500 Songs purports itself to actually be relevant. Now that we all know that Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone" is the best song ever, we can safely resume the wasting of our lives.

Also, I was reading the list and getting seriously pissed off. How can "Smells Like Teen Spirit" be "better" than "Bridge Over Troubled Water"? I mean, how is THAT possible. Yeah, its an okay song for 1991 or whatever, but better than BOTW? Or better than "God Only Knows", or better than "People Get Ready", or virtually every song by the Beatles (except their cover of "Mr. Moonlight"). And is "Satisfaction" really the #2 song? Its pretty average sounding to me. Almost every Rolling Stones song is better than that one. And no Gene Vincent? No Zombies? No "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" by Culture Club?! Thats better than almost every song ever.

Then I realized that they tricked me. This is exactly what they wanted. They want music nerds like myself to get pissed and debate the list with other music nerds and bitch and moan about why such and such a song is not on the list or how could one song be higher on the list than another. They got me. And now they can suck it. They lose! I win. Damn them to hell fire!