Has it escaped everybody that WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE?!!! Jesus Christ, every night we hear about the horrors of terrorism and mad cow disease, and yet somehow it never gets mentioned that WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I don't know about you, but I think this is a pretty big fucking story! Lets get this straight. Okay, Dan Rather is going to die. Madonna is going to die. Paul Wolfowitz is going to die. Tom Arnold is going to die. The girl you thought was really hot in the ninth grade is going to die. Do you see what I'm getting at? Why isn't the world in a state of crisis over this? Every single night, the evening news should lead off with "The tyranny continues. We're still dying at an alarming rate!!!". Hell, Bob Hope died last year. And so did Katherine Hepburn. They were two of the biggest celebrities ever. How could THEY die? And even John Ritter died. Holy shit! He was on Three's Company, and now he's dead. The only time this horrific reality is considered is when someone famous dies. And even then, its as if it only happens to OTHER people. Not us. Not Tom Brokaw, but other people.

And screw Al Qaeda! Sure, terrorism would be a real problem if we weren't all going to eventually die anyway. The way I see it, we should be trying to solve the main problem. Then we can deal with stupid shit like terrorism. Of course, the problem with this is that if something was found that would delay death indefinately, only rich and privileged people would have access to it. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if its already happened! I mean, what's going on with that "Skull and Bones" Yale bullshit anyway? Thats a goddamn ironic name! I'll but those fuckers have the cure.

And lets gets another thing straight. Hoping that there is "life after death" is a total fantasy. Yes, that would be great, but holy freakin' hell, there isn't a shred of evidence that it actually happens. All the evidence seems to point toward nothing happening. When we seek refuge in religion, we're simply avoiding the fact that we're all going to die. We're wasting time! Don't you see? George Washington - dead. Charlemagne - dead. John Holmes - dead. Thomas Jefferson - dead! They're all dead because we're wasting our time going to stupid churches and temples and facing the east and praying and reading scripture instead of focusing on trying to solve this problem.

This might be the last post of 2003. So, its only fitting that I leave on a completely panicky note. I think we should all resolve to make this whole death issue the number one campaign issue in the various elections in 2004. Meanwhile, everyone start freaking out!

I really try to give you folk the most for your viewing and reading time. I don't like to mess around with pointless adjectives and metaphors, when I know you folks are all very busy, and want to get straight to the point. So today, there won't be any messing around. I'm going to take you all on a trip down memory lane, to a cold wintry day, back in 1992.

It was a cold Ohio winter. My days were filled with loneliness, Jerry Springer, Current Affair, and long cold walks. Every day was exactly the same. I was living in a studio apartment in a motel. It was an actual motel with studio apartments that were rented to students during the school year. One night, after I went to bed, there was a lot of commotion on my floor. I could hear people running back and forth on my floor, yelling, and goofing around. As usual, I was filled with angry homocidal thoughts about these people. Eventually, I feel asleep.

When I got up the next day, I found the pile of puke that you see to your left outside my door. I promptly took a picture of it out of sheer amazement. I simply couldn't believe there was a pile of puke outside my door. It was humiliating to have to step over it every day. Nevertheless, I was determined that I should not have to clean it. I could maintenance and requested that THEY clean it. For some reason, that never happened.

Meanwhile, the winter continued to be cold. After a day or so, the puke outside my door simply froze. As winter progressed, it was occasionally covered with snow. When everything thawed out in the spring, the puke had become somewhat crusty and flaky. As time went by, it began to flake away in the wind and rain. By the end of the semester, all that was left was an outline, and a couple crusty chunks. I moved out, and I never cleaned that pile of puke.

So, there it is folks... my pile of puke story.

Everyone reading needs to do this! Check out George Bush Is A Miserable Failure to get the full story. Basically its like this...

Place a link in your blog or webpage to to http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html, then tag it with the words "Miserable Failure." So many people have already done it that when you type "Miserable Failure" in Google, (this link already has the search built in) our current President's bio pops up first. Nice.


Simply paste the following link in your blog or webpage: <a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html">Miserable Failure</a> It will look like this when you're done: Miserable Failure

What the hell? I think its funny though.

Today it is Christmas. I slept most of the day. Christmas. The reason for the season, etc... I'm glad its over. Hey, Dan (aka Lonely Man), if you're going to "rip off" my Best Of/Worst Of" idea, you need a comment system so you can receive ridicule.

Sorry everybody. This isn't really much of an entry. However, since I don't have anything useful to say, I've decided to post the hilarious picture you see to your left. Hey, does anybody remember "Pulp Fiction". That came out in 1994. God, we're old.

The world is gradually getting taken over by people younger than us. More and more, I find myself completely confused or disgusted by what kids are into today. Although, to be honest, I was usually confused and disgusted when I was younger too. I saw a bunch of teenagers hanging around the other day. They like to hang out in parking lots and strip malls around here. I think its weird as hell. See my entry on November 12, titled "A Teenager Pissed On My Car" for additional info. At any rate, sometimes when I see them, I wish I had a feces-shooting gun so I could shoot them with poop. That idea amuses me.

Its interesting as I look at this list. Of course, almost everyone on it is now a stranger. A couple might be enemies. None of them is dead, as far as I know (but I have my suspicions about one of them). Almost everyone that I have some vague idea about is either living an average life, or struggling in some manner. I suppose that's to be expected. In fact, I am living both an average life and I'm struggling. So I'm certainly not finger-pointing. Or maybe I am. I don't know. Who cares? Here's the list of everyone I've ever dared to call a "friend".

+Aaron: Some kid I knew when I was little.
+Brian: My best friend from 1st to 7th grade. He decided I wasn't cool enough to be friends with during 7th grade. He was also black.
+Jeff: I was friends with him from 1st to 7th grade. I decided he wasn't cool enough to be friends with during 7th grade. He was very white. Actually, he was way too "geeky" and into computers for me.
+Mike: I knew him in elementary school. Why were we friends? He was just a nice kid, I guess.
+Scott: I was friends with him for exactly one year, during 4th grade. Later he became the only really mean gay guy I ever knew. One time we played one on one football in his front yard, which was covered in snow, and there was dog poop underneath.
+Dan (1): Pretty cool dude. I was friends with him all through school. I have no idea what he does now.
+Geoff: Some kid I was friends with. He moved. Thats all I remember.
+Mark: The only kid I was friends with that lived near me. We looked at porn together. He moved when before I started 4th grade.
+Kelly: Friends in 5th grade. Then I had a crush on her for a few months.
+Tom: Friends on and off during school years, until 11th grade. I think he was schizophrenic. Not sure.
+Matt: Lived a few blocks away. Cool guy. Went on family vacations with us. Now he has kids.
+Joe: Matt's older brother. Smart guy. Now he's a lawyer.
+John (1): My cousin. I've known him since I was a little kid, but he didn't factor much in my life until I was eight or so. We were tight for several years. I was even his best man. Now he owns a gun shop, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm gay.
+Steve: I met him in 6th grade. He once drew a picture that I still have somewhere of a guy with his finger in his nose and a caption, "Pick A Winner". In hindsight, I don't think he made that up.
+Nicole: God, I had a mad crush on her in 7th grade. I really ended up humiliating myself though.
+Kim: She was friends with Nicole. I liked her too, but more as a friend, but also as more. Her dad made me stop calling her. Later, I thought that she got her dad to make me stop calling because she didn't like me. Could be?
+Jackie: The hot girl that sat beside me in 8th grade homeroom.
+Holly: Met in 8th grade. Became great friends in 11th grade. Stayed that way for a while. Lost touch with her for a few years. Reconnected, then got in a fight that had to do with me "liking" her, her neglecting me, and something else. Haven't spoken to her since. She's getting married in January.
+Ron: He looked like Steven Segal. He was big and used to defend me in high school.
+Bill: I met him in 8th grade in gym class. We're still friends.
+Julie: Pen-pal from Athol, Mass. We both liked the Beatles. Briefly influenced me with her Morman beliefs.
+Doug: He was a wrestler, and he used to toss me around for practice. Nice guy too.
+Paul: My guitar teacher for a couple years. He taught me how to play guitar like Stephen Stills, and turned me on to a ton of music.
+Xavier: Friend during 11th grade only. He was a desperate kid who really wanted to be popular. Drove me up the wall.
+Amy (1): Had a mad crush on her for a while during 11th grade. She played violin, and she was disturbed. Had a crush on her, and that was the end of that.
+Stef: Amy(1)'s friend. My friend during 11th grade. She was probably bipolar. Hard to get along with.
+Amy (2): She was "my Judy Collins" in 11th grade. Seemed tormented most of the time, but mostly just liked to drink and get high. Now she's fat, or so I hear.
+Brad: We had a few adventures. I thought he was pretty 'out there'. Loved U2. I knew him in 11th and 12th grade.
+Fletcher: We were friends from 11th grade until my sophmore year at college, and then on and off until 1994, during which we were roommates, and he puked in my spaghetti pot, and didn't clean his bedsheets even once the entire time.
+Chris: Friends in senior year of high school, and a little on and off after that. I'm not sure what he does now. Acting, I think... UPDATE: A handy search on Google shows that he's been quite busy. Here's a link: Chris Potocki. He's in an IC Light commercial. My urge to judge is strong, but what do I know? At least he's an ass in the commercial.
+Casondra: Met her in 11th grade through mutual friend Stef. One of my best friends, still in touch even though she lives in SF. I miss her.
+Lauren: Casondra's best friend during school years. I met her in 11th grade. I developed a crush on her that lasted for nearly four years, and pretty much destroyed me because I was basically retarded.
+Robin: One of my various mistakes with girls She was cute and liked me in 12th grade. I didn't do anything because I liked Lauren.
+Lynette: Very sensitive girl, and nice. Same situation as with Robin though.
+Katie: Pretty similar to the previous two. I was a total idiot. I could've had a real 12th grade experience if I had managed to get my head out of my ass.
+Alex(1): He was in my band. I knew him from 12 grade through junior year of high school. He was a religious nut, and I thought he was a total hypocrit. One of the most infuriating people I've ever known.
+Scott(2): One of the nicest guys I ever met. I knew him from 12th grade through 1994. He became very religious and that made it hard to maintain our friendship. He wasn't a hypocrit though. I miss him.
+Pete: One of the first people I met at Tyler. Fairly normal guy with a good sense of humor. Have no idea what he does now.
+Brian(2): Pete's roommate. Strange guy, and very funny. Hard to get to know. I have no idea what he does now. He was a good artist though.
+John (2): Another strange fellow I met early on at Tyler. We were briefly in a band together and it was a disaster.
+Karen: I thought she was my soulmate for awhile. We fought a lot, and I liked her a lot. Too much trouble.
+Josh: Met in freshman year at Tyler. Good friends for a long time after that. He lives in NYC now, and he's dating Beyonce. More info at Joshua Gabriel
+Sean: Josh's freshman roommate. A big football player dude, but he was nice. Kind of slow, but we got along okay. I knew him until I left Tyler.
+Mel: My first actual girlfriend; in other words, she'd also agree that she was my "girlfriend". After we dated for a few months, I wanted to have nothing to do with her. That was kind of shitty. I can't explain it.
+Pam: I'm not even sure we were actually friends. I once suggested to Josh that she had a penis.
+Rick: He was in my band for a while. He had a lot of sex with girls in college. He was pretty okay though. Lives in SF, I think.
+Judy: Rick's girlfriend for many years. Nice girl. Have no idea what she does now.
+Candace (1): A young girl I had a crush on for a couple years. She was waitress where I worked. I'm not sure we were really friends, actually.
+Gretchen: Very strange and attractive girl I knew in my sophomore year of college. She once said "I have to take go take a shit". Had sex with Pete (mentioned above). Her ex-boyfriend shaved her cat to get revenge.
+Candace (2): Very hot girl I was friends with in sophomore year of college. Described herself as a lush. We saw Paul Simon at the Spectrum.
+Io: We dated at the end of sophomore year of college. Confusion ensued. Lost touch with her in 1995.
+Alex (2): Worked as dishwasher/prep cook at the restaurant. Later married my sister.
+Christine: Nice girl I met in Ohio. Only knew her for a year.
+Amanda (1): Artsy girl I was friends with in Ohio for a semester. I liked her, she didn't like me. Yeah.
+Amanda (2): Mentally ill girl I dated for nine months. She had borderline personality.
+Emma: Met her in 1993. Now she lives in Louisiana. We were roommates for a spell back in 1994. We're still in touch, but not as much as we used to be. Mostly though email these days.
+Corie: She's on my list, but I'll bet she doesn't even remember me. We were friends for a few months in 1994. She liked Fletcher, and apparently didn't mind his hygiene issues.
+Amy (3): Josh's girlfriend from 1994-96. We were briefly friends.
+Dan (2): He was in another band of mine. Played the guitar. His blog is at: Drunken Ravings Of A Lonely Man.
+Kate: She tried out for our band, and we were friends for awhile. She wouldn't date me though. I completely forgot about her until Dan read this list and reminded me.
+Maria: Kate's roommate. We went out a whole bunch of times but I screwed it up with her by getting involved with Ann (see below). I think I so thoroughly humiliated myself that Maria lost all respect for me.
+Ann: Girl from Chicago that I "dated" long distance. It was a total fiasco, and she was completely insane.
+Tina: Girl I worked with. She was sort of like a 'big sister' to me until I hit on her.
+Janet: My boss where I worked in 1995-97. We were sort of friends after I quit and until I moved in August 1999.
+Laurie: We met at work. She was pretty cool. Married though. I lost touch with after I moved in August 1999.
+Evan: Evan and I tried to start a band. It didn't work because I was still too much into rap. He sells his cd's here: Stuart Maybe.
+Kristina: I was friends with her in 1998. She talked about herself constantly and didn't even know what I did for a living.
+Dan (3): I met him where I wa working in 1998-99. We stayed in touch via email after I moved, but I think he eventually got pissed off with my various criticisms and negativity.
+Al (ACB): I met Al in 1999 through the Crosby, Stills & Nash list group. We trade music back and forth. I've only met him once, but we email regularly.
+Cheryl: I met her at my job after I moved. She was one of the few people that talked to me. She recently helped me get my new job.
+Monica: One of the hottest chicks I've ever known! I met her in 2000. She was a good eight years younger than me and also a lesbian. In the spring of that year, her girlfriend started to beat the shit out of her, so she moved to her home in Boston. I didn't try to stay in touch.
+Heather: A girl I dated for a couple months in both 2000 and 2001. She was nice, but very "high maintenance". One of the few people I ever yelled at (the others being Ann, Karen, and my sister).
+Diana: Met her at Stadtlanders/CVS. She was funny. Haven't heard from her in awhile.
+Sherri: Met her at Stadtlanders/CVS. She has been like a big sister. Haven't seen her in a while. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't heard from people in a long time, and then I remember that I have this online blog/journal thingy.
+Leah: One of the coolest people ever. She has twins.
+Jackie (2): I met her in 2001. She was a recruiter and we sort of became friends.
+Natalia: She sat beside me at MSA, and explained that "Ukraine" wasn't "the Ukraine". All those Olympics announcers had it wrong.
+Scott (3): The lead DBA at MSA. We had lunch at Wendy's almost everyday in 2002.
+Bryan: Another DBA at MSA. I seriously envy a couple aspects of his life.
+Sarah: A girl I dated in 2002 for a few months. She was a waitress and always smelled like a greasy kitchen. Her father was a minister. What was I thinking?!
+Amy (4): I should've given up on Amy's by now. At any rate, we were friends in 2002 and 2003, but now we're not. Its just as well.
+Vanaja: Everyone calls her Vana. At least the white people do. She was the first person to talk to me at Highmark.
+Lauren (2): We actually knew each other in high school but became reaquainted in 2002. We weren't friends in high school. Then we dated in 2003, and it turned to shit. There was a reason we weren't friends in high school after all.
+Tracey: I met her at Highmark. She only worked there a couple months. I don't know what she's doing now, but it worries me.
+Sirisha: Really cool girl I met at Highmark. Funny as hell too.
+Lori: She took Tracey's job. We have lunch almost everyday. Hey, you never comments!
+Rebecca: We met in June 2003. And now she's my best friend and everything else. She's currently pregnant, and I'm the "father".

This isn't a 2003 list. This is a general list. I'll need an important looking logo for this too. Here is where I name the best rock stars ever, and why. I am not defining "Rock Star" in terms of musicianship or quality of music. This is based purely on "Rock Star" mojo and thats it. This is not subject to debate, so I'll just go on and present my list.

1. John Lennon: Lennon tops this list and leaves the others far behind. First of all, he was funny as hell. And he didn't take himself seriously. He was irreverent, yet also into his work. He was crazy, and did unexpected things (having a peace campaign, retiring from the business, heckling the Smothers Brothers, filling in for radio dj's, putting himself on an album cover naked, pointing out that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, writing a hate-filled rant about McCartney then reversing himself and saying it was joke, Yoko, etc...). He had it all.

2. Elvis Presley: How could Elvis not be one of the best rock stars ever? He was literally the first rock "star". Then he flamed out briliantly. Wow. What an example he set for excess and craziness.

3. Jimmy Page: A whole new type of rock star. Page was scary and evil. He did weird shit, was into the occult, and played his guitar with a bow. Plus he had an interesting and intriguing image.

4. Keith Moon: Moon was the most ridiculous and insane of all rock stars. This guy seemed to be fascinating ALL THE TIME. He played the drums like a spastic, and he got into all sorts of wacky hi-jinks the rest of the time.

5. Pete Townshend: Windmill...

6. Johnny Rotten/Lydon: Pompous and arrogant. Johnny Rotten shook things up in the rock world and created yet another type of rock star, the angry punk. He's been copied so many times he should sue.

7. Kurt Cobain: The only more or less recent entry. Cobain mostly repeated what others had done before him. However, it was cloaked in a new package. Cobain was the first depressed, slacker rock star. Now everyone is like that. Even accountants.

8. David Crosby: Excess. Crosby had tons of girls and tons of drugs. Orgies and Freebase. He did it all, and actually lived through it. Almost everyone called him the biggest asshole. He had tons of opinions which he constantly espoused, frequently at inappropriate occasions. He also smoked a joint in the White House.

9. Robert Plant: image and voice.

10. Dennis Wilson: Similar to Keith Moon. Another drummer. Wilson was crazy and brilliant. He had tons of girls and tons of booze. He hung out with Charles Manson and he dated Christine McVie. After being neglected by the Beach Boys for over 20 years, he single-handedly destroyed their myth by drowning in the ocean.

Another category that is going to be difficult. This is primarily because I don't watch a lot of TV. Since I'm fairly picky, I think that everything I watch is pretty darn good. Here are the nominees: (1) The Simpsons, (2) Six Feet Under, (3) Curb Your Enthusiasm, (4) Survivor.

I can't say enought positive things about (1) The Simpsons. That show has been one of the few shining lights in my life over the past decade or so. And its stills good. (2) Six Feet Under was pretty good this year. I found each episode compelling. (3) Curb Your Enthusiasm is pure brilliance. Was there even a new season in 2003? I can't remember. (4) Survivor seems to get better and better with each season. So how can I choose?

The winner is... (4) Survivor. I would've said (3) Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I'm pretty sure there weren't any new episodes. The Simpsons were still really good, but I don't think it was as good as it used to be. So I have to say that Survivor was the Best TV Show of 2003. It was suspenseful, interesting, and fascinating. I can't wait for the next one.

Yeah, everyone really DOES have a blog these days. It seems that anyone with the slightest bit to say has a blog. Hell, a lot of y'all have nothing to say, but you still have blogs. Rock on!

There are a few people who read my various writings. Of course, lost in a sea of millions of web pages and blogs, there isn't much likelihood of finding this site, much less reading it. So, I do it for myself mostly. But "HEY!", I thought. "Why not try to find other blogs that aren't so dissimilar to this one, and link to each other?" Seems like a fine idea. So I found another Blogger person, and I created a link to their blog page, which you can see on your right under "Blogs Of Note".

I figure that this will increase my readership 10-fold, or 5-fold, or hopefully at least 1-fold (i.e. the writer of American Diatribe). So, it shouldn't be long before the law of "six degrees of separation" (thats a law, right?) places "An Ant In A Hailstorm" in front of someone who will pay me thousands of dollars a week to write this stuff.

In the meantime, if you should stumble upon this site, and wish trade links, feel free to contact me.

What a sad category.... Here are the nominees (1) Christina Aguilera still has a career in the music business - as opposed to porn (2) The return of guitar rock (3) There is virtually no reason to listen to rap anymore (4) People like Ryan Adams, White Stripes, John Mayer, The Strokes are being heralded as geniuses that are saving music.

(1) Christina Aguilera DOES still have a career, but I think she's probably at the end. (2) Guitar rock coming back is a seriously distressing development. Those guys really suck. (3) Really, the only reason to listen to rap, or even follow it AT ALL is to see what Eminem is going to do next. Otherwise, there is hardly anything to bother with. (4) Those guys are all pretty average in my estimation, but they are probably fairly harmless. Okay, so the award for "Most Disappointing Musical Development of 2003" goes to (3) The Demise of Rap.

This is so sad. In 1994, rap came out of nowhere (at least in my life) to save me from a world of white college guy mediocrity. Jesus, it was getting bad for a while. I was listening to the Liz Phair album and thinking it was great. I had a Smashing Pumkins album. I have no idea where this could've ended up. I may have ended up buying albums by Pavement or Guided By Voices (~~shiver~~).

I started listening to rap in the spring of 1994, and I didn't listen to much else for the next five or six years. Those years were a renaissance in music, but white people didn't notice, so all of the cool shit that was going down gradually faded away and was replaced by some seriously mediocre shit.

These are a few of musical geniuses from that period: Wu-Tang Clan (RZA in particular), Gang Starr/Guru/Jeru The Damaja (courtesy of DJ Premier's production work), Pete Rock, Showbiz & AG, Nas, Dr. Dre, Snoop (one brilliant album), A Tribe Called Quest, Lord Finesse, Black Moon/Smif 'n' Wessun/Heltah Skelta (produced by the Beatminerz), Large Professor, Mobb Deep. I'd stack these guys against anything from the 60s or 70s in terms of originality and quality.

Well those days are gone. Most of those guys are limping along on indie or self-owned labels, or have been dropped altogether, or have changed their sound so much that they are unrecognizable. So what we are left with are a couple albums from the old stalwarts every year or so, and Eminem. Basically what its come down to is that the really good artists have no outlet, or they had to sell-out to stay in the business at all. Dr. Dre is terribly watered down. Snoop is a caricature. The RZA never recovered from the flood in his studio a few years ago, and seems to spend more time on worthless pursuits like clothing and comic books. Gang Starr is still solid, but fairly predictable. Jurassic 5 is good, but who knows how long they'll be around. The biggest new rapper is 50 Cent, and his shit doesn't do a thing for me.

I bought maybe three rap albums this entire year, and I was usually unimpressed. Thats when I realized that rap had really fallen apart. This has been building since 1998 really. But this is the first year I really lost faith. Oh well...

This year has seen a fair share of bodily pain for me. I won't waste any more time, so here are the nominees... (1) Heartburn that goes into my upper chest, (2) Kidney Stone flare-ups, (3) Dry-socket from getting my wisdom teeth out, (4) Headaches that I seem to get in the morning and late in the day, (5) Dizziness when I'm a little late taking my medication, Effexor XR, (6) Gastro-intestinal disturbances due to severe constipation following a week of Percoset for my wisdom teeth, (7) The feeling of intense adrenaline rush during the throws of a panic attack

What a year it has been. The Heartburn (1) is fairly treatable with a medication called "Protonix". That really helps. The Kidney Stone flare-ups (2) didn't turn into a full-blown episode, so most of that unpleasantness was fear of what was coming next, which turned out to be nothing (this time). The Dry-Sockets (3) were no-joke. That was horrible. The headaches (4) are bad, but not everyday. Its just that I don't know why I get them. The dizziness problem (5) is a known "side-effect" of Effexor XR. It starts to happen anywhere from 20 hours since the last dose to 28 hours if the dose is missed. Its actually the first stages of withdrawal. Very unpleasant. The gastro-intestinal issues (6) were horrendous, but fleeting. Lastly, the panic attact (7) feeling is pretty awful, but a quick dose of Xanax can stop those.

The award goes to.... Hmm... this is tough actually. The award goes to... Number 4, Dry Socket! That Dry Socket problem lasted nearly two weeks, and it hurt like hell. I had to go into to the dentist almost everyday for treatments to ease the pain. But the treatments consisted of sticking this gauzzy stuff that was saturated with clove oil into the empty "socket". The clove taste was almost as bad as the pain. So, overall, I think that was the worst pain of the year. See my entry from December 4 entitled "I'm In Pain" for my info.

I have to admit, I'll seriously fallen behind when it comes to "new" music. Over the past several years, I simply ceased to care (with a few exceptions). I used to follow rap very seriously, until most of my favorites got dropped from their labels or went commercial. But I haven't had any interest in "rock" since 1993 or so. That being said, I now announce the nominees for "Biggest Bullshit Hype Music".... (1) The Strokes, (2) The White Stripes, (3) John Mayer, (4) Ryan Adams.

This isn't too hard actually. I heard (1) The Strokes on Saturday Night Live, I believe, and thought it was awful. It sounded like competently played designer retro-hip garage punk rock. There is no reason for this to exist. (2) The White Stripes mystify me somewhat. On the one hand, they are strange. On the other hand, they suck. But Meg White has big boobs. Hmm... (3) John Mayer does nothing for me. He's 6'4" tall, and he sings guitar plunking songs about girls. As I've said in numerous other places, as far as I'm concerned, Jackson Browne conquered and laid waste to this sort of thing back in around 1974. There is no use in my mind for any more of it, unless its better than Jackson Browne. Lastly, we have (4) Ryan Adams. I have heard very little of his stuff, but it hasn't interested me. I just don't get it. He's influenced by Gram Parsons, Neil Young, the Stones, etc... I'd rather hear those guys.

Okay, so the award goes to (2) The White Stripes. Part of this isn't fair. They've become critical darlings, and its annoying. Aside from that, Jack White can't really play guitar, which wouldn't matter, if the songs were really good. But to me its just a bunch of thrashing around, with your hair in your face, and bitching. They have a unique approach with just guitar and drums. They get some props for trying something a little different. But I LOVE the bass, so it their ingenuity is lost on me. Their latest album, "Elephant", was called a masterpiece and the cure for cancer, but to me its just more of the same. I DO think Meg White is kind of cute though. She's sexy on those drums. Nonetheless, I think its mostly hype, and its crap, and I don't care, and its bullshit, so they win the award!

It seems that every year, Hollywood manages to stamp out several new nymphets. This year really had some stunners. I don't think the pictures I chose are all that good. But they're small, and I'm trying not to waste space. At any rate, this year's nominees are (1) Hillary Duff, (2) Amanda Bynes, (3) Scarlett Johannson, and (4) Jena Malone.

Of course, this is a difficult category for a variety of reasons. First, two of the girls are under-age by a couple years. Second, I'm really not supposed to have any knowledge of these people. Third, its kinda creepy that I even think about this shit. And fourth, it totally doesn't matter. Given those difficulties, I'll try to weigh the relative merits of each nominee and reach a decision.

Lets see... (1) Hilary Duff is really cute, but she's been in bad movies. She also sings which is a huge turn-off. Oh, and she worked for Disney. But her body is smokin' hot. (2) Amanda Bynes is also very hot, and she doesn't sing, which is good. She's been in a couple awful movies though. And there is something strangely unpleasant about her. I can't lay my finger on it. (3) Scarlett Johansson has been in two great movies recently, "Ghost World" and "Lost In Translation" (which I haven't seen). She's also super cute, and supposedly smart. The picture I have here is bad. Take my word for it, she's really hot. Lastly, we have (4) Jena Malone. Again, very hot. And she's also been in some good movies. She, like Scarlett, has avoided the teen genre, which is good. In the movie "Life As A House" she was hot for both Kevin Kline and his son. She was extremely sexy and seductive in that movie, which included an erotic shower scene. The downside is that she was in a Julia Roberts movie when she was younger. Yuck.

And the award goes to... Jena Malone! Yes, there is no question in mind that this babe has it all! She's hot as hell, and smart enough to not be in crappy teen movies. And she's so damn sexy, something she's totally played up in her recent movie roles. And lest we forget, there is NO WAY, I mean NOOO WAY, she'd touch me with a barge pole, EVEN if I was famous. None of these girls would. Now, I will wait for them to fall out the ass end of Hollywood fame and into Porn!

Wow, another tough category. I don't know who keeps coming up with these things. This one is a real killer. The nominees are: (1) Quitting Highmark by emailing my manager's manager, and telling him I wasn't coming in the next day (2) Dating a pothead with a kid, and experimenting with it myself, and thinking it wouldn't be an issue (3) Having 10 panic attacks in three days (4) Going out on a date with some girl, then showing up at her work to say "hi" a couple weeks later (5) Never talking to the people I sat beside at Highmark for 8 months.

I really don't know how to decide. "1" is lame in a "bitch move" sort of way. "4" has the power of creepy-stalker lame. Thats pretty potent. However, "2" shows really bad judgement, and an overall compromise of my integrity. While "3" is dramatic and incredible! "5" merely shows that I can be socially retarded which isn't really so lame. Hmm... Uh, I have to go with 4, showing up at the girl's work!

I went out with this girl one time. It was arranged by a mutual friend. We had a decent enough time, and both decided to see each other again. I emailed her and didn't get a response. A few days later, she finally emailed me back and said she was still dating her "ex", but we could be friends. So along those lines, I decided that I would drop by her work and say "hello", which is a friendly thing to do (or so I thought). Her work was only a couple of blocks from where I worked so it wasn't really so unusual. I stopped by and asked for her, and she wasn't there. Then I never heard from her again.

Thus, in the spirit of humility and shame, I must give this creepy and embarrassing event that award of being the Lamest Thing I Did In 2003. Hopefully 2004 will be a less humiliating year.

Okay, this is a tough one. Here are the nominees... (1) "Beet Maize and Corn" by The High Llamas (2) "Phantom Power" by Super Furry Animals (3) "The Ownerz" by Gang Starr (4) "Say You Will" by Fleetwood Mac

And the winner is... "Phantom Power" by Super Furry Animals. It really had to be Phantom Power. I listened to this album over and over like a retard. I certainly listened a lot to the High Llamas album as well. And the Fleetwood Mac album was really good, but I had half of it on bootleg for over a year. So for sheer newness and excitement and obsession, I have to choose Phantom Power. Songs like "Sex, War & Robots", "The Piccolo Snare", and "Bleed Forever" had me bogged down for months.

There really isn't any reason to nominate anyone for this because the winner is so clear. Nevertheless, the nominees are Amy (ex-friend), Brian (manager from Highmark), and Lauren. And the winner is.... Lauren (of course).

I dated Lauren for three months, from March to May. Our relationship was really good, then got really bad. This was mostly because I realized the relationship was doomed and had a series of panic attacks. Even though I was concerned about how things were going, I was determined to try to make things work. Well, apparently Lauren was feeling the same way, except she decided it really was hopeless (she was probably right). We had plans to go out one Friday evening to a play she wanted to see. I bought the tickets for $120. I saw her Thursday evening prior to that Friday. She invited her brother to hang out, and generally ignored me. Then on Friday, she sent me an email that said "Call me". So I did. She then proceeded to "bail" on the play, and then break up with me.

I realize that breakups aren't easy or clean, and there probably isn't any right way to do it. And I, too, have ended a couple relationships in a shabby manner. Nevertheless, since I'm considering "Bitch Moves", I must consider that SHE wanted to go to the play, and *I* bought the tickets, and she COULD have broken up with me on Thursday evening which would have been more respectful at least, and given me some time to find someone else to see the play with, or sell the tickets. Considering these factors, I am left with no choice but to award Lauren the "Worst Bitch Move Of 2003" award. Congratulations and keep on smokin'!

... and possibly my life. Nominees are Rod (MSA), Ronda (MSA), Brian (Highmark), and Todd (Highmark). And the winner is..... Brian from Highmark! I didn't think anyone could beat Rod, but Brian really redefined what it means to be a "bad manager".

My "manager" at Highmark, where I worked from January to August, was named Brian. At first he seemed nice. As I got to know him, I realized that he was probably retarded. No, I mean actually retarded.

I was hired to be an Oracle programmer. That is what I interviewed for, and Brian attended the interview, along with Todd. A couple weeks after I started the job, Brian asked me, "You know Oracle, right?" As if there was something else that I knew. Jesus Christ, that is the only skill I have. Alright, so he didn't know my skill-set. To make a long story short, I explained to him on numerous occasions that I was, in fact, an Oracle programmer, and I had been doing that work for 5 years. Nevertheless, he continued to ask me if I "knew Oracle". I later found out that he didn't know the skill-sets of ANYONE on "his team". Nor did he apparently care.

From here on out, I will list the items and traits and qualities that make him the worst manager of the year...

1. He thought he was a great manager.
2. He organized something called "Food Day" where everyone is supposed to bring food. He did this, and continues to do this, every month. He believes that its fun and improves morale. Everyone mocks him behind his back.
3. Despite the enormous amount of work to be done, and the fact that he didn't know the how the business worked, and that he had yet to do ANYTHING to move the project forward, he wrote a program in Visual Basic to keep track of Food Day, and who participated, and what they brought.
4. His conversation is littered with constant puns and bad jokes. Imagine an even LESS funny Robin Williams. And he laughs at everything he says.
5. He discussed his personal thoughts about individuals on his "team" with other team members (and it always got back to them).
6. He decided to hold meetings outside because he felt that it was fun to get out every once in a while (another so-called morale booster).
7. He concocted a scheme where we all had to walk around town one morning, and find as many dinosaur statues as possible, and write them down. The person with the most listed won. Everyone was miserable and hated this insulting exercise. This was a another team-building waste of time apparently. As a side note, since he didn't mention this activity to any of the women prior to the event, many of the girls were traipsing around through the mud in heels.
8. He did NOTHING for weeks and weeks. His team did nothing. And he gave no assignments. However, he told HIS manager that progress was being made. Later he gave all the assignments to one person (who was forced to work like a slave because he's on a visa), while seven other people sat around and did absolutely nothing. I didn't mind wasting Highmark's money by doing nothing (looking at the internet, taking two hour lunches, taking mid-morning and mid-afternoon breaks) once I found out how wasteful they were as a company, and inconsiderate they were to their employees.
9. He didn't know anything about the technology being used for the project, but acted as if he did.
10. He lied to managers, peers, people who reported to him, and other groups. He lied repeatedly.

Well, that's enough. He wins! Sometimes I think that the REALLY bad manager is Brian's manager, Todd, because Todd hired him for the position, and supposedly oversaw Brian's work. But since I don't know enough about Todd, or what he thought of Brian's hijinks, Todd is spared and Brian gets the award for "Worst Manager of 2003". Congratulations. You earned it.

At the end of every year I make a TON of lists! Usually I send these lists to a couple friends, or tell people verbally. This year I'll be sparing everyone by simply posting these fun lists and awards on this site. I'm sure everyone will find it enlightening, fun, and cruel. It will be easy to spot these handy lists and awards too, because I created a small version of the little logo to the left that I will post with every new list and award.

It will happen eventually. It has to. The whole Christmas thing is totally out of control. Besides that, there are competing Christmases all around the world, and even in the United States. The main problem with Christmas is that it leaves everyone out except Christians. So, I propose that we merge all of the various Christmas-like holidays that occur during this time of year into one holiday of joy.

I propose "Kwistamakan". This clever name is a combination of Christmas, Kwaanza, Chanukah, and Ramadan. I know I'm missing a few, but those four holidays comprise most everyone in the US. And since the name, and the holiday, is being founded in the spirit of unity, all races and nationalities will want to join.

Since all of the above holidays have some sort of historical precedent and meaning, it will be important that we make up some new myths and lies for this holiday too! Ideally, we should combine elements of all of them into one big fantasy. Okay, so lets start. First, the entire holiday should be based on the birth of our darkly tanned lord and savior Santa Luther Mohammed Judah. But we'll just call him "Santa". Santa was born on July 4 underneath a fireworks display in the city of Branson, Missouri. Every year, on the anniversery of his birthday (+ five months and 20-odd days) Santa flies around the world on a magic carpet jet and gives fruit and toys and American flags to all of the children.

We'll also have a big candle with 12 candles instead of 8. Each day we'll light another candle. And we'll bring a tree into the house, and support it with sand, and we'll spend most of the Kwistamakan holiday fasting, praying, not having sex, going to church (also known as "the mall"), contemplating, giving gifts, and spinning dreidels.

Everyone can now feel included. I think this solves a lot of problems.

I've been fairly disturbed by the sentiments expressed by many Americans since 9/11, that American lives are somehow more important than the lives of people living in other countries. After 9/11, the US reacted with shock and horror that Americans were killed on American soil. There are numerous examples (please don't make me cite them all - I will if I must) of Americans killing innocent foreign people on their own soil - all very well-documented and reported by the LIBERAL media (sarcasm?) - but that doesn't really matter much, when we can have "righteous indignation".

Now, I'm not sure about this. Please don't hold me accountable here. But I think, that maybe, just maybe, people that live in Iraq are human beings. Now wait a second. I know what you're saying, "Yes, but they don't deserve to live because they live in Iraq". Okay. Again, this might be very controversial, but I'm pretty sure that they ARE actually living on Earth, and were conceived in the same manner as every other human being on the planet. Uh... but its okay to kill them (collateral damage) because we're fightin' a just war in defense of our "freedom". I'm sure that they (the dead people and their loved ones - believe it or not foreign people actually have loved ones, and feelings too!) did not willingly sacrifice their lives for the freeeedoms of you or me. I'm almost positive they didn't sacrifice their lives for the CEO's and executives of the great and honorable American companies that are getting those lucrative contracts to "rebuild" Iraq after we destroyed it. I bet their families will have a nice Christmas. Which families? Oh, I mean, the families of the CEO's and executives. Not the families of the dead innocent Iraqis. They don't believe in Christmas because they hate Jesus.

The real tragedy of 9/11 was not the 3000 people that died (I know, I know, tell that to THEIR families!). The real tragedy was the resurgence of racism and prejudice and good ol' fashioned nationalism. Some people confuse nationalism with patriotism. Let me explain the difference. Nationalism is the belief in the superiority of one's country simply because it is one's country. Patriotism is the belief and pride in the principles and values of one's country. Quite frankly, I doubt many people know enough about the political foundations of the United States in order to appreciate its values and principles. At any rate, America has become a distressing place to live in the past two years. Opinions to the contrary of our political leaders are considered treasonous by many. Dissent is called "unpatriotic". Even the formerly glorious LIBERAL press has been muffled. Did the terrorists win, as was so often feared when determining whether or not to start the NFL season or hold the World Series? Well, of course they won! Ask Thomas Jefferson. Oh wait, scratch that, he's dead (natural causes this time).

Well, I won't be leaving. I wouldn't mind I suppose. Really, having studied American politics, and the history of the founding of this country, I DO think its the best country created by man, thus far. The US Constitution truly is a miraculous document and a real accomplishment. However, I'm digusted with the current US presidential administration and congressional leaders. And I'm disgusted with how the legislative process is disproportionately influenced by large corporate interests and other special interest groups. I don't think they reflect what is great about America. And I don't think that the prevailing national sentiment is anything that most of the founders of this country would be proud of.

Oh, and when did "God Bless America" become a statement of fact instead of the request it was in Irving Berlin's song?

I'm sure that many of you think that I am just some depressed and moderately articulate misanthrope that hates everything and everyone. Well, you'd be wrong! I really love Survivor! Not the band from the 1980s, but the hit CBS TV show! I've watched it since its first season in the summer of 2001.

Typically, I do not like mass-marketed TV that is as popular as "Survivor". But I just can't help it. I love that damn show. The last episode of season 7, "Survivor Pearl Islands", was last night, and now its gone until February 1, 2004. How will I survive? What will I talk about with friends, family, and co-workers?

Last night, Sandra, won. I was glad that for once, someone I liked won. Usually I'm indifferent about the person. I hated last season's winner, "Jenna". Yuck. Anyway, long live survivor. My next post will contain my usual hate-filled rants.

I never doubted that Saddam Hussein would be caught. I'm a little surprised that it took so long, but who knows? Of course, Hussein is a mass murderer. He isn't quite in a league with Hitler or Stalin, but he's right up there with the second tier mass murderers like Pol Pot and Slobodon Milosovich. So, of course he should have been stopped. And of course, he should punished in whatever manner is deemed appropriate. But here is the reason why I don't give a shit...

This guy has been killing people for 23 years, and... we didn't care. As long as he suited the needs of God's America, then Saddam Hussein was free to kill as many people as he wanted. Hell, not only was it okay, but we gave him foreign aid and military supplies. He was a brutal and demented killer. But he was ours! When he stopped being useful, and even began to become something of a nuisance (invading Kuwait was a huge miscalculation), THEN we had a problem with his human rights abuses. THEN it was bad that he "killed his own people". Until then... no one cared.

So fuck him, and fuck George W. Bush. I don't give a shit because of how disingenuous it is to NOW claim that we are "liberating" the Iraqi people, and that we captured a "tyrant". This could have happened at any time in the 1980s (or 90s, for that matter), prior to many mass genocides committed by Hussein.

I'm going to be buying a new house very soon. In fact, the house is already under contract. I haven't sold my current house yet, but the deal I'm working allows me to close on house #2 prior to selling house #1. That worked out rather well. The story of looking for a new house is quite a short one.

Last Sunday (December 7), we went out and looked at a variety of houses in the North Hills (north of Pittsburgh). That region was chosen because the schools are good, and my Dad has influence with them. At any rate, we saw a few places, and they were all pretty much disasters. One of the houses was right out of a 1970s time capsule. I'm pretty sure the entire place was unchanged since around 1970. It was quite simply unbelievable. I couldn't even look at the house objectively because I was too busy fearing the draft.

Another house had an orange shag run on the walls! Wow! The same house also smelled like a dog. Most of the other houses were variations of these two. They were all run-down, needed work, and were stuck in the 70s. I'm convinced that the 60s and 70s were just a disaster in almost every form of aesthetic expression except music. The people in these houses may have been listening to The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, but they were surrounded by flowery purple wall paper and they were sitting on a green shag rug.

I decided I had to raise the amount of money I was intending to spend in order to get a decent place. I then went searching on Realtor.com, and found a pretty nice place. I thought it was too much money, but due to the financing I'm doing, it isn't too bad at all. So we looked at it on Tuesday night, and we both liked it, so I made an offer, and after a little back and forth, the sellers accepted.

Oh, and thats another thing... the sellers! The house is very nice. Its 10 years old, and totally modern inside. Its like a rich person's house, only smaller. But the decorations were the most girlie and fruity I have ever seen. At first, I figured two girls lived there, but I was wrong. It was a married couple. Not one room bore any sign of a man's influence. I mean, not even one element of any of the rooms indicated that a man lived there. The walls had pictures and paintings of angels. The corner of one room contained a massive angel doll collection. There were plaques hanging on the walls with corny sayings and pep talks. One of the wall hangings was a framed letter from the owner to her mother (I think). The girl's name is Kimberly. She signed it "Kimbers". And Kimbers has a big fluffy white cat, and she has a wall hanging with at least 15 pictures of the fluffy white cat. 15 pictures - all cat! I couldn't get over how emasculating it must be for this man to live here.

Well, it turns out that they are getting divorced. It all made sense when I found that out. I mean, there is no way any non-gay man could live in that place. Aside from the decorations, the place is very nice. There are three bedrooms, an enormous kitchen, a living room, a dining room that we aren't going to use for dining, and a game room where I'll have my computer, music stuff, and drums. Closing is February 16.

With all of the changes that have occurred in my life, especially in the last several months, I'm coming to realize how emotionally dysfunctional I actually am. These things can be quite easily avoided when one lives alone. However, life events such as becoming a father or marriage seem to really force out a lot of issues. I won't be vague any longer, so here goes...

1. I have never thought of myself as an "adult".
2. I have never thought of myself as a "man".
3. I assumed that I would always be alone (without a spouse, partner, etc...)
4. I assumed that I wouldn't have children (don't know if that was a preference).
5. I never envisioned myself as "married".

Well, those are a few. Basically they all represent various aspects of "low self esteem" or dysfunctional schemas. I'm not sure what the real impacts are of having all of these conceptions so thoroughly trounced by reality. Perhaps there aren't any, but I doubt it. One of the results of these ideas is that I am constantly struggling with myself over my "role". I find myself in situations where I have to "step up to the plate" so to speak, and I don't want to do it (see entry from December 4 titled "Getting Bailed Out").

Another result is that some of my self-concept is being challenged by my new reality. I can no longer wallow in the pain of loneliness and rejection because I shall cease to be lonely in a physical sense, and because I am not being rejected, and because a baby is going accept me unconditionally and expect the same from me. I can no longer piss and moan about how "good" everyone else has it, because on the surface, my life will be the same as their's. I can no longer entertain ideas of dropping out of society, rejecting all social norms, and living on the street. I really can't get away with still somehow viewing myself as a "kid".

I find it all quite strange and unusual. It seems like life is happening to me, but I guess it isn't actually. The changes that I'm experiencing are simply so fundamental that they seem to be happening VERY fast, and as I said above, "happening to me". I suppose I'll adapt eventually. At the moment, I'm simply befuddled with all of it. The notion that this is my "life" just seems to unreal. I always figured I'd completely WASTE my life, and look back at years and years of accomplishing nothing. Well, it won't really be that way, I guess. I keep thinking (I really do) that I'm too young for all of this. I suppose I'm not too young, because here it is, and here I am.

I have a nearly unbearable difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I quite simply hate it. Lately, it has been slightly worse due to the cold temperature outside, my toothache, and the fact that I frequently have to leave while Rebecca stays at home. And that brings me to my main point. She tends to get up earlier than me even if she doesn't have to go anywhere. On several recent morning she's had the TV on with the dial turned to The Today Show.

Its amazing that in the rushed, semi-delirious, and fatigued state that I am in every morning that I'm still able to register blistering commentary on what is on TV. For instance, where the Today Show is filmed people stand around outside with signs, hoping to be on TV. I really can't understand this at all. Those people all stand there jumping up and down and waving and holding their stupid signs. I assume they are waiting for their one moment of glory when the camera accidently catches them and they are shown on national tv. Really, these people should not be allowed to vote. Its arguable whether they should be allowed to drive a car. Personally, I think someone should hold a sign that says "Hail Satan", or "The Holocaust Never Happened" or "We Love Osama Bin Laden". It never happens. Or at least it doesn't make the TV.

Well, suffice it say, that I am mystified by these people. However, the real shock for me, which occurred the other day, is that no matter what time of day it is, or how I feel physically or otherwise, I'm always able to summon up a fair bit of invective. It seems that I can't turn it off. The only thing I could do is not say anything. They had one of these movie stars on the other day and she was gooing and fawning over how wonderful one of her co-stars was. I had opinions about it. Goddammit! Sometimes I just wish I'd have no opinions. Its tiresome actually. I realize its all due to some psychological shit on my end.

Nevertheless, since I'm able to level such blistering attacks on our horrible idiot-culture, it seems that I should at least have an outlet. I should at least get a block of time every night on network TV to put forward my "opinions". It will never happen. So I wish they'd just go away.

While I was at lunch today, I overheard a mid-30s man pontificating to his mother about liberals, democrats, poor people, and and other typical middle class white guy concerns. He was quite taken with himself as he parrotted a dozen or so well worn "arguments" that have been popularized over the last couple of decades by the likes of Newt Gingrich, George Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and hundreds of other "conservative" commentators. His poor mother had to just sit there and listen to this amateur conservative broadcaster give his mighty pronouncements on the important issues of the day.

It occurred to me then, that the need to appear smart and to sound intelligent are quite a bit out of proportion to the ability to actually be those things. It takes a long time to become smart. And intelligence is truly a lifelong endeavor. Quite simply, most people don't have the time. They need to be smart NOW! They need to be able to "impress" with their "opinions" THIS minute. And thats the nice thing about so-called "conservative" political opinions. Those ideas are easy to grasp and understand. And they are readily available. They hang off of trees for anyone with the urge to sound important.

The funny thing is that this whole system actually works. With very little effort, a person can sound like a radio broadcaster in under a week or less. If the person has even the slightest bit of imagination, they can fluff up their pronouncements with embellishments and fake statistics that they "heard somewhere". Liberal political opinions would probably work too. However, they are usually less easy to grasp and slightly more subtle. Consequently, it would take a while longer to appear smart by trying to be liberal. The truly ambitious man has no time for nuance!

Now, lets gets something straight. What is really going on here is the equivalent of taking a sixth grade astronomy class and claiming to be the next Stephen Hawking. Of course, these individuals aren't REALLY smart. Its all fake wrestling. As a matter of fact, actual intelligent people rarely say ANYTHING in public. As one acquires more information and synthesizes more information, it becomes increasingly clear that having any ONE opinion on ANY topic is nearly impossible. Information changes, then circumstances change, then the interpretation changes as well. It becomes very difficult to speak at all if one is actually smart. This is why really smart people spend YEARS doing research on a particular topic, and then present their findings in small journals which cater only to those who could understand their findings.

This commentary is not a liberal vs. conservative rant. Hardly. (Have you ever heard a Deadhead discuss politics? Nuff said...) My point is that we're all extremely ignorant and limited in our time and ability to educate ourselves. Conservative political agitprop is simply a very obvious and easy manifestation of people's eagerness to be something that they aren't - smart. I'm sure there are dozens of similar examples, but I hear these guys all the time, so I used this example.

In closing, consider not saying anything. I think we'd all be a lot more impressive if we'd just keep our mouths shut.

I had my wisdom teeth removed last week. The worst part of the experience was getting up early on Friday morning, a day off for me, to go the appointment. I was kept "awake" during the procedure, but I didn't feel any pain. Afterwards, I was surprised how little pain I was feeling, which probably led me to not take some of oral surgeon's instructions seriously. The risk after wisdom teeth removal is "dry socket", where the blood clots do not form where the teeth used to be. This leave the nerves exposed and hurts like hell.

The oral surgeon said that only 10% of people ever have this problem, and most of them are smokers (and I'm not). Since I wasn't in any pain, and the risks were low, I think I was too lenient in my adherence to instructions like not drinking from a straw, and eating soft foods. After a few days, my mouth started to hurt more than previously. Then after another couple days, my mouth hurt A LOT. This meant that my whole head hurt. I had fantasies of the pain never ending. I shouldn't do that.

Anyway, I went to the oral surgeon today, and as it turns out, I do have Dry Sockets. God damnit! He flushed out the "holes", which was disgusting and nearly made me throw up. Then he put some weird filling in there. It doesn't hurt right now, but I have to go back tomorrow, and three more times next week. What a pain in the ass. I swear that the entire universe is conspiring to destroy me.

Soon this journal is going to be on its own domain. Its going to be http://www.ant-in-a-hailstorm.com. Talk about ego. No one even comes here. So, it will just be my little slab of disc-space, 200MB worth, somewhere in California, where I store all of my rantings, and other crap. I guess thats fine.

Meanwhile, I'll keep waiting to become famous for doing nothing. Hell, there is no way I could EVER be famous. For one thing I hate almost every famous person. And I'm pretty sure you have shmooze a little, or maybe even a lot, in order to get and STAY famous. Secondly, I don't do any really weird things. At least not "weird" in a famous person way. I'm not a sex hound, or a party beast, or fashion maven. I do have the occassional mental problem. Hell, I have actual diagnosed mental illnesses!. Thats probably a good start. Still, I'm not all that good-looking. So, it seems very unlikely that I'll be plucked from obscurity solely due to my brilliance.

I wonder how that asshole Matt Drudge got famous? He's just some dipshit with a webpage. He posts a bunch of crap news, and now people know who he is. I think he got big during the Monica Lewinski thing. Screw him. There are probably a bunch of other even lower level losers out there that have some kind of mini-fame with their webpages. I guess thats better than nothing. But its hardly partying with Hilary Duff though. YES! I KNOW how old she is.

I think I get more sick and tired of Christmas every year. I'm hoping that once I have the baby I'll like it more. As for now, it just seems like a dark time of year, with a lot of money getting spent, terrible music, and constant haranguing from advertisers.

Of course, I loved Christmas as a kid. And I pretty much continued to at least like it from 12 to 20. Hell, I still get gifts from my parents. Alot, even. Nevertheless, there is something about the folly of everyone having to spend all sorts of money on each other that strikes me as quite ludicrous. If I were to just live my life, I would be most unlikely to spend $600 on myself at this point in time. Now, I may get something around that much back in gifts, but I wouldn't have spent the money now, and neither would my various friends and loved ones.

And then there is the gift-giving itself. Hardly anyone could buy me a gift. My interests are far too well defined. No one could ever know what I want or need. And for the most part, I really have no idea what anyone else would want either. I don't know if this is due to laziness or apathy on my part, or just plain facts. I really don't know what most people want or could use. So then we all have to trade lists. And then it gets more absurd. I give a list of say, three things I want. And then I may get a list of three things someone else wants. And then I buy the stuff on that list. And the other person buys the stuff on my list. And we exchange.

What?! And this is called "gift giving"! I mean, as I've already said, I wouldn't have purchased those three things all at once. I may have spread it out over the year for instance. But because of this Christmas bit, we have to go through this bizarre practice. And yes, I know, retailers love it. They make all their money at this time of year. Screw them though. Its some big piece of craziness foisted upon us every year, to make us artificially spur the economy, and for no good reason. Its really a boon to credit card companies who make all the money on the interest.

We should simply stop this madness, and perhaps go back to "making" each other gifts out of wood and straw. God, I don't see this getting any better.

I have many ideas of what I'd do differently. I will delve into them from time to time in this forum. This is my first entry along these lines, so here goes.

If I were God, I'd provide eternal life, but only to some, not all. Currently, under the "Christian God" system, everyone gets eternal life either in heaven or hell, but its only after you "die", and there is no evidence that this actually happens at all. Now, I'd change all of that. I'd give eternal life here on earth. The catch is that every person would come up for renewal after so many years. I could imagine giving a person perhaps 20 years at a time, or maybe a normal adult lifetime of 70 to 80 years. In this time, each person would have to justify their existence.

I, being God, would lay out some basic ground rules. Everybody would know them. I would make sure to disseminate them in all of the languages of the world, thus making sure that there are no translation problems later on down the road. Surely, it would not be an all-or-nothing system. A lot of details would have to be worked out. For instance, if you kill one person for the hell of it, but you donate the rest of your life and time and resources to saving starving orphans, then should you still be eradicated? I'd probably let this person slide through again. The system cannot simply be a series of checks in the RENEW or DENY columns. There would have to be a fairly elaborate weighting involved.

I'd have to be super vigilant when it comes to frauds though. I wouldn't be very kind to people who run amock for the first 60 years, only to repent in the last 20, solely out of fear. Essentially, I would expect people to live each day as if it really was their last. That brings up another nuance. "Death" would still be possible. For instance, you could fall off a cliff, or OD, or get hit by a car. In these cases, you would be evaluated at that time, much like in the current system. However, if you were doing okay, then I'd send you back, instead of leaving your friends and family to wander "what if?". If you didn't come back, then the people around you would learn a harsh lesson.

My basic rules would be as follows: be kind to others, be considerate of others, seek out self-improvement, practice empathy, share your resources, moderate your excesses, etc... Those really aren't too hard. I'd even make myself available to help those who aren't sure how to do these things effectively. However, those rules would probably snuff out 75% of everyone right now. Myself included.