Last night I saw Burt Bacharach. I swear it was nearly life-altering. Watching him play piano on all those songs and lead his band along with an orchestra was just too incredible to describe. He is 72 or 73 years old I think. You should've seen him jumping up and down, and swinging around to point to a string section or a horn player at the appropriate time. He played the entire hour and a half show alternately sitting, and then standing at the piano. And watching all those arrangements happen in real life was just so amazing. He played almost everything I was hoping to hear. The only disappointment was that many of the best songs were reduced to part of medleys. So he would only play 50 seconds of "Walk On By", for instance. He seemed to choose certain favorite songs to play all the way through. He played "Anyone Who Had A Heart" which was simply gorgeous. He played his own arrangement of "Close To You", which was much different than the Carpenters version. He totally reinvented "Alfie" and sang it himself. He also sang "Windows Of The World" as an encore. Even though they were embedded in medleys, "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" and "I Saw A Little Prayer" were amazing to hear.

I got into his music a few years ago in a rather indirect manner. The first thing that pointed me to Bacharach was Brian Wilson talking about what a great songwriter Bacharach was, and how he wished he'd written "What The World Needs Now". The other factor was the High Llamas. They are usually compared to Smile-era Beach Boys, but a few astute writers also mentioned a Bacharach influence. The music of his that I got was his album with Elvis Costello, which I listened to constantly for weeks. Then I got his box set.

Bacharach is a real musician. He isn't like most rock stars that don't read or write music. He does it all. He's a killer on every level. He rocks the piano and leads the band through the arrangements and jumps around. Damn, what a show. I really recommend that any fan of music and musicianship check out this tour. Its really something to behold a living genius of this stature playing live.

God, I don't even know where to start with this one. The ads for this inferior small passenger car started appearing sometime in 2002, if I remember correctly. The ads prominently featured a song that is titled "Freedom Is Calling". The next series of ads stripped the song down a bit, but it was no less annoying. The woman blaying "Freedom Is Calling You" was positively disturbing. Plus, it was impossible to determine what she was actually saying: "Freedom Is Calling IT", "Freedom Is Calling ME", "Freedom Is Calling JEW". Impossible. And then there is the actual music... the cliche'd "jangle" guitars layered with delay, mildly feaux-funky drum patterns, and predictable over-singing. Yuck. I later found out that the song was performed by a band called "Fisher" and they have a website, http://www.fishertheband.com. It appears that the "band" feels that marketing themselves in this manner is a good thing (Hey, it worked for The Rolling Stones... uh actually it didn't. They never did anything so slimey). And it seems that people actually WILL inquire about the singer of a song, in a commercial. Nevertheless, I urge someone to hack this site. And everyone else to post negative messages on their message board.

Oh, and just why is "Freedom" calling me? Hmm... because of that wonderful 10 year/100,000 mile warranty? Wow. Thats great. Really appeals to young people who can't afford car repairs. Just what is covered isn't made clear by the ad. Also, aren't they tacitly admitting that the car will have problems within 100,000 miles? Better quality cars have smaller warranties because they aren't needed (Acura, Honda, Toyota).

Of course, the car is the cheapest around. The cars aren't total junk, but it hardly matters. These fucking cars are marketed as a lifestyle choice, as evidenced by the horrible youth-oriented song, and young people featured in the ads, not to mention the ubiquity of the commercials during youth-oriented programming. Such contrived strategies always earn a list on my "Product Ban" list.

The next round of ads delivered another piece on inane pap with "You Win" campaign. These came in many varieties. Some featured idiots asking salesmen about the cars and saying "Shut Up" and hitting the salesmen after they answered with an amazing answer. Of course, this was a rip-off of Elaine on Seinfeld (Get it? Elaine? Elantra??). The ads were most likely trying to play into some Seinfeld references hoping that they would subconsciously be associated with the crappy Elantra. The other ads were more banal, simply showing a checklist of reasons why "You Win". Of course, we all want to be winners. And if we don't buy the fucking "Elantra", then we must be losers. Nice. Another wonderful way to drub the message home. "Be a winner. Nobody wants to be a loser. Are you a loser?"

Finally, the name "Elantra" is obviously derived from the word "Elan". The definition of "elan" is 1. Enthusiastic vigor and liveliness. 2. Distinctive style or flair. Then they ad the suffrix "tra" to make it more "car-sounding". This is such bullshit. They named the car what they wanted it to actually be. Oh, well the Elantra is "vigorous" and "lively" because it says so, and "distinctive" too. Its in the name. Duh. This is just plain insulting.

There really wasn't ever any risk that I'd buy one of these things. But I encourage you, too, to ignore this car. There are other, better, and less offensive cars that do not insult you with their advertisements. Nevertheless, the Hyundia company is really racking up the sales. Please buck the trend. Condemn them for their stupidity and ignorance. Ban the Hyundai Elantra because their ads are an insult.

I have a problem.
No... I'm serious.
I have a cell phone
And I use it.
Occasionally.
Sometimes more than occasionally.
However, I hate them.

I know how convenient they can be. And I know that they can be real timesavers. Thats why I have one. Actually, that isn't quite true. I have one because my parents bought me one in case I had roadside trouble during frequent trips across the PA Turnpike. I didn't even pay for it until last year sometime. Nevertheless, I DID decide to keep it. And now I use it. At least 75% of the time I forget to take it out the door with me. When I do remember, I usually only use it in the car to make calls that I'd otherwise make at home.

The problem is, I really think that cell phones are making people's lives worse! I'm not sure that many people see it that way. It used to be that one would be away. Away from contact. And thats just how it went. If you were out somewhere, or in the car, nobody could contact you. Now, people will say they NEED their cell phones in case someone has to get in touch with them. Unless its life or death, and it rarely ever is, no one ABSOLUTELY MUST get in touch with anyone. But that isn't the way things are going.

People are tied to these things all the time now. They ring all time. And people take the calls. I believe that the present moment is important. Its now, right now, in this moment. I think that cell phones ruin this concept by connecting people to everything else EXCEPT now. The world is becoming a place where everyone rushes and frets and has endless meaningless conversations on these damn things, and its becoming NORMAL!

I see examples of how cell phones are actually changing social norms everyday. A person will actually take a call, and have a conversation, while they are at lunch with a person, an actual person. And the person doesn't mind! People use them in places where they are the most inappropriate, such as movie theaters and restaurants. And no one is bothered. We're actually getting used to this madness.

A girl I once dated was tied to her cell phone 24x7, and she used to take calls when we were out. She would get in long, involved (inane) conversations. It pissed me off that I'd just be sitting there, while she yacked. I finally said something about it, and she agreed not to take calls, except in emergencies (of course, she defined nearly everything as an emergency). Well her genius friends had a problem with this. They said I was "controlling" her! See, I was actually trying to preserve intimacy. But the friends thought I was controlling her. Why? Because its normal to people now. They don't see anything wrong with this behavior.

In conclusion, I will continue to use my cell phone, and be conflicted about it. However, I'll only use it in private.

I bought this cd a few months ago, and was just recently struck to put it in the player. This happens every so often. Sometimes I buy something, listen to it once, and just don't get it. Then I figure it out a few years, or even years later. "Back To The Egg" by Paul McCartney & Wings was an album I got when I was 11, and it did nothing for me. The next year, it was my favorite album. More recent examples of this are my first experiences with "Rings Around The World" by Super Furry Animals and Badfinger's "Wish You Were Here". I bought the SFA album because MOJO raved about it. When I listened to it, I wasn't terribly impressed. About five months later, this would be sometime in December 2002, it hit me all at once, and became brilliant. Another great example is Jeff Lynne's "Armchair Theater". I had that album for a couple years. I had listened to it once. Somehow I managed to miss the track "Lift Me Up" with George Harrison on guitar & vocals. I can't imagine that I ever heard it and it meant nothing to me.

So that brings me back to "Odessey & Oracle" released in 1968 by The Zombies. This is one of those classic "lost" albums from the sixties. Another is Love's "Forever Changes". I'm discovering that there are entire brilliant groups and musicians from these years that simply got lost amidst all the popular stuff at the time. This album came out, then the Zombies broke up, after not having a hit single in years. Their biggest hit up to that point was "She's Not There". Somehow, their next biggest hit "Time Of The Season" from "Odessey & Oracle", came out in 1970, after they broke up, and became a huge hit. Well, I won't go into their whole history. Thats a super short capsule. It is just fascinating to me that there were musicians making incredible music but went nowhere because they just weren't fashionable. This album would've been up against The Doors, The Beatles, Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, flower power, the summer of love, hippy bullshit, and etc...

Well, let me tell you, its a simply sublime album. The songwriting is melodic and the arrangements are sophisticated. They throw all sorts of odd and plaintive minor chords into the mix and surround it with lush vocals. "Care Of Cell" and "Beechwood Park" are simply too wonderful to describe. Then comes "Time Of The Season" at the end. This song has been played and over-played on oldies radio for so many years that it sounds positively bizarre in this context.

If I had to compare the music on this album to other albums and artists, I'd say it bears a passing resemblance to the first Pink Floyd album, but its much better and not so damn trippy. Some of the arrangements remind me of Bacharach, but this music is much more unusual. There are some "Magical Mystery Tour" era Beatles sounds courtesy the of the Moog synth. I think it also sounds a bit like the Love album. Some of the songs, such as "This Will Be Our Year" could've been the Partridge Family's best song. More recently, The High Llamas, Super Furry Animals, and The Wondermints bare some influences of this album.

Make the world a better place and buy "Odessey & Oracle" by The Zombies now.

It is quite hard to be a SUPERSTAR in your own mind. Its nearly impossible in these stressful days. By "nearly impossible", I mean "quite easy". This whole internet thing, and WWW instant hoo-ha really gives one a sense of importance, that is obviously completely unwarranted.

This little web site is not pushed to anyone. I have to depend on actual people choosing to visit and read my entries (rants, etc...). Of course, some of my entries border on the offensive, so I could be losing people as I go. But I guess that isn't the point of this whole little exercise. The point is... to feel like I'm a very important person. Thats actually not true. Okay, its partially true. But I know better. Nevertheless, the fact that few people ever read this thing can be moderately disheartening. On the hand, no one ever reads the shit I stick in drawer somewhere either. So what difference does it make?

So, here is how it has to be then... I'm just going to keep on writing these darned things, and thats all there is to it. If no one ever reads it, then I guess I'll have a pity party for poor poor pitiful me.

To encourage use of the "Comments" feature, now pleasantly retitled "Add A Comment Now", email addresses aren't required. Names are required, but you can put anything down. Hopefully, I'll be able to tell who you are from your name. But I won't stop you from entering your name as "Dingleberry Puss" or "Count Fuckula", or any other variety of inane and fantastic possibilities.

This is a very simply stated product ban. My product ban of Trojan Condoms involved quite a lengthy argument regarding historical accuracy and advertising nonsense. The Cricket ban is not so involved. I hate the product because of its overly aggressive and inane advertising. I think their main ploy is that they ARE slightly cheaper than other sellers of the same services. However, I have resisted the urge to save .50 cents because of how much I hate their advertising.

Back in 2001, I started to see a bunch of stupid signs around the city saying "Cricket Is Coming". These signs seemed to be literally everywhere. I'm thinking "Oh geez, some new product to make my life better. Great...". Then after a month or so, they started to advertise on tv. Their ads featured typically young and beautiful 18-30 year olds (note the above picture of young urban-hip advertising stooges from one of their ads), green objects, and a lot of jerky, start/stop camera action. Very annoying. Their latest assault on the visual senses, not to mention the cultural landscape, features a place called "Cricketland". This is a presumably a wonderful "land" where everyone has cell phones ALL THE TIME. The most offensive bit is where they show the recently married couple exiting the church, and entering a limo, while the bride is on her Cricket phone. God, who could she be talking to?!

Meanwhile, what about this so-called "Cricketland"? Is this not some sort of hell? Does everyone need to be on the goddamn cell phone all the time, everyday? Its already bad enough in THIS land, "America-land", with people on the phone everywhere you go, and the horrific ringing, and the little jingles their phones play. There is just no civility in it. If people think that being "available" everywhere you go is a good thing, then we really are all doomed. In the workplace, its called "Being On-Call", and no one ever likes it. But we're trying to create a society where everyone is on-call all the time. And Cricket is simply the most offensive perpetrator of this trend. So fuck them. They are banned. Goodbye. See ya.

Every so often, I will be announcing various product bans. Usually these bans will be due to poor, or otherwise insulting advertsing. My intention is to encourage all readers to discontinue use of the "banned" products, and encourage others to do the same. So, on to my first victim....

Trojan Condoms should be banned due to their inane radio advertisements. Some may think I'm banning them due to their lack of effectiveness. However, I am in no way claiming any deficiency in the product. I simply deem the product unsuitable for purchase due to their stupid ads.

A brief summary of all of their advertising is as follows: the sounds of some young, amorous couple can be heard, they express the need for "protection" of some sort, and then "Trojan Man" enters. His entrance is announced by some deep voiced males singing the words "Trojan Man", the sound of galloping, and a horse (yes, an actual horse), making the "neee" sound. Then "Trojan Man" says some bullshit, and saves the day or whatever, and trots off.

Okay, so here's the problem. Its the way the Chruch & Dwight company (makers of household products primarily) markets the Trojan brand with an odd mixture of misused historical references in order to infiltrate the minds of listeners. Trojan Condoms uses the image of a "Greek"-looking head as their logo, which makes sense, since the name "Trojan" is most often associated with the ancient (c. 1200 BC) Mediterranean city of Troy, which was eventually conquered by the Greeks after a long series of battles spanning hundreds of years. The logo is fairly innocuous. The real offense is the "Trojan Man" radio ads with their horse noises.

First, lets get some facts on the table. The term "Trojan Horse" is based on what is most likely a myth, in which the Greeks delivered a gift of a large wooden horse to the city of Troy as a peace offering. What the Trojans didn't know was that the Greeks hollowed out the horse, and hid inside, only to break out at night, let in the Greek army waiting outside, and kill the Trojan people, and rape their women.

Okay, so I'm breaking it down. The horse noise! The advertising somehow wishes to associate the "Trojan" condom brand, and the sound of the horse due to the fact that the term "Trojan Horse" is already known as a popular phrase. The fact the few people know its origins is especially handy. The horse noise? DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?! The Trojan Horse was a wooden horse used as a weapon, and the advertising uses a horse noise! A horse noise made by a... HORSE!

The theory behind naming the condoms "Trojan" is simply perplexing. The Trojan horse was deliberately hollowed out with an escape hatch. When the Greeks exited the horse, they proceeded to kill the Trojan people. I think that the analogy is that the Trojan Condom contains a penis inside, and then "kills" the sperms by not letting them escape. But wait, thats can't be right. The actual Trojan horse had an escape hatch which specific designed to ALLOW the Greeks to escape. Condoms aren't supposed to let any sperm escape. Isn't that right?

So what is the analogy then? Are the Trojan people supposed to represent the sperm, that get killed by the Greeks (represented by the condom somehow) hiding in the Trojan Horse? Maybe, even though it sounds pretty weird. But hold on a second guv'ner... Doesn't it make more sense that the GREEKS represent the sperm attacking the woman's eggs? By this logic, the Greeks quite successfully infiltrated (impregnated) the fortress (vagina) around the city of Troy (the woman). The condom, in this case, would be the defenses of the Trojans. And of course, it was insufficient. This could not have escaped those marketing wizards at Church & Dwight!

And yet... why have a character called "Trojan Man"? Remember, the Trojan people were fucking murdered and raped by the Greeks. So any "Trojan" man must be a lame man indeed, watching his wife and daughters be raped. And then I go back to the horse sound. The glorious horse sound, announcing "Trojan Man". It was the Greeks that had all the glory on that day. There were no glorious Trojan men!

Well, for these reasons, I hereby ban Trojan Condoms. Their advertising is illogical and ridiculous, and thus the brand is not worthy of purchase. But Lifestyle brand, or some other brand, or don't use anything.

Couric: “Are you looking forward to when all this attention will go away?”
Elizabeth Smart: “Yeah.”
Couric: “Is it annoying a little bit?”
Elizabeth Smart: ‘Yeah, because there are always those weirdoes at school who are like, as I walk down the hall, they yell out ‘Hey, Elizabeth Smart!’ So I look back but then they’re like all in a group so you don’t know who it is or anything.”
Couric: “Oh, really?”

You DON'T want to be Elizabeth Smart. You want to be anybody OTHER than Elizabeth Smart. That little except quoted above is case in point. Its happening already. This girl will NEVER, I repeat NEVER, be normal. As we can see by the picture to the left, she's also quite the little hottie. And, just as I expected, goons are already after her so they can be the first to say "Hey I banged Elizabeth Smart". Who even cares about "first". Second, Third, Sixtieth will do just as well.

Really, she should change her name. Picture her at some random frat party, "Hi, I'm Elizabeth Smart". "No, not the one that was abducted by, and had sex with a crazy bearded wacko, and lived in a hole for nine days.... the OTHER one". Or perhaps her friend will try to set her up on a date: "Her name is Elizabeth... ah... Smart". "NO STOP! Everything you heard isn't true. Except for the having sex with a bearded religious psycho when she was 15 and assuming a different personality. Thats all true. The rest isn't. Seriously, she's a really nice, normal girl".

Okay, so play this game with your friends. You think of someone notorious and ask "Would you rather be {insert name} or Elizabeth Smart. I can guarantee, that if you think about it, you'll never choose Elizabeth Smart.

Jon Benet Ramsey's brother or Elizabeth Smart? Answer: the brother.
Any of Osama Bin Laden's sons or Elizabeth Smart: Answer: Bin Laden's spawn.
Worker in Honduras sewing Sean Puffy Comb's clothing or Elizabeth Smart? Answer: Slave laborer.
A dead guy or Elizabeth Smart? Answer: the dead guy.

The fun goes on for hours!

Uh, an "accident". Yeah, I think thats it. I was thinking about it, and more than a couple people have referred to the conception of my child as "a blessing" and "a miracle". Even I (the agnostic) find the whole thing somewhat amazing. Those little dudes swim all the way through the woman and find the egg. Its just crazy. Plus, there were some odds against this child's conception at all. Lots of things had to happen. Consider the following factors that had to be in place: I had to decide to take not one, but two creative writing classes in June. I wasn't going to take the second one, but I decided that I would at the last minute. That is where I met Rebecca. I wouldn't have taken any writing classes that month had "the girl I dated from high school that now has my paints™", not broken up with me when she did. Rebecca only took the class because she couldn't afford paints for the painting class. Then you have to throw in the issue I had with my medication, which made conventional birth control very difficult. And well, a few other things too, like ignorance of how reproduction works, and so on...

Well, it does seem, dare I say it, vaguely "miraculous". But that can't be right. So I was trying to think of what other word I could use. Most the words are taken by religion: devine, inspired, immaculate, etc... Then it dawned it me, when a "miracle" happens for an agnostic, its an "accident", but not the bad kind (unless thats how you see it). Its just an accident, an unforeeable event. I'm interpreting it a positive unforeseen event, so its a good accident then.